Monday Grievances

I swear, people must think I lie about the stuff that happens to me.  And it always happens on a Monday! Hence the title.  I didn't intend for my "Grievances" to always be on Monday's, because things happen to me all day everyday, but it just seems to work that way.  Anyway it all began when I woke up at 8:30am because I forgot to set my alarm last night.  I was too wrapped up in the finale of the Real Housewives of Atlanta and the Watch What Happens Live after show with Kim & Kroy and NeNe Leakes face cookies, that I completely forgot to check my alarm before dozing off.  So of course when I finally do roll out of bed, my grandmother is in the bathroom.  After waiting for her to get out, I go turn on the shower and get in.  Since I was in a rush, I just jumped in not realizing that the water was about -15 degrees.  After yelping like a new born puppy, I fix the water and try to relax.  Once I was done, I turned off the water and opened the sliding door of the shower, only to have done it too forcefully so that it caused the shampoo bottle above me to fall directly on my forehead.  At this point I already know it's going to be one of those days.

I get my yogurt, my Kashi oatmeal cookies and off I went.  Never mind that I forgot my actual lunch and know now that I will have to spend money I don't have.  Did I mention I got laid off and in two weeks will be on unemployment?  Well if I didn't, now you know and understand why I can't afford to spend money on meaningless luxuries, you know like food.  After climbing up mountains of still unplowed snow in my neighborhood, I made it to the train, only to wait for about 15 mins in the freezing cold.  Thankfully when the train finally got there it was the 5, which is the train I need.  Usually the 5 runs express so I always have to transfer, so this was a treat.  And as luck would have it I stood in front of the couple that clearly looked like they were going to the Court House on this fine breezy morning, so when they got up on the concourse I had a seat.  Morning- 5, Me -2!  I pulled out my Kindle, which for some magical reason had no issues this morning, but then of course I had this guy in front of me who was having a conversation with his buddy...who only happened to be sitting about 4 seats away from him.  At this point I figured, let me just close my eyes and rest.  But then I remembered that video of the guy sleeping on the subway and the rat crawling up his leg.  Closing my eyes was out of the question!

As I got off the train I decided that after months and months of not doing so, today I would be having Starbucks!  I walked in after so long of not going there, and wouldn't you know it!  Now they have a Skinny Caramel Macchiato.  So of course I got a GRANDE! After standing on this line for what felt like forever, I finally put in my order.  I remembered that I had money in the top left hand pocket of my coat.  What I didn't realize was that I had about 17 dollars worth of change in there as well.  So when I took out my cash, all the change came flying out with it.  I was so embarrassed, I threw almost all the change in the their tip jar, got my receipt and walked to the pick up station.  It wasn't even 10:30am yet and already this was my day.

Thankfully nothing else has happened that's blog worthy, but considering all that did happen, I think I'm good for the entire week.  But then again, they do say the first day of the week sets you up for how the rest of the week is going to be.  So here's hoping I don't lose my mind before the week is out or that I atleast have a nice bottle of Wine to go with it.  So how's your Monday going?

Happy Blogging All!

Children Today... WTF Is Going On?!

OK, let me just start by saying, in case you're new, I do not have any children.  I know what you're thinking, "Thank God for that" and I agree.  But I also, believe it or not, don't have an issue with children even though maybe my previous posts might show a different opinion.  I actually do like children. But I like them more when I can give them back.   Now I do have an 11 year old sister, whom I've helped raised, and trust me have tried to give back numerous times; still no takers. So in my opinion, that gives me the authority to comment on the subject of children and why some of them need a good 'ol fashion ASS WHOOPIN'!

What brought me to this topic was an interview I read on AOL on Parenting.   Amy Chua, who was the woman being interviewed, currently has a book that goes into parenting the Chinese Way, which is described as a strong focus on academics, total respect for parents and few choices to be made by the children (if you'd like to read the article, here is the link: Amy-Chua-Chinese-Parenting).  In the article she describes her parenting as being very strict, talking down to her children and how she set very specific and strict ground rules for her children.  This in her opinion, makes the children smarter, believe in themselves more and they grow up with a sense of respect for their elders and themselves.  Though she did experience push back with her second child and wishes she had done some things different, she still believes in these rules.  And though I may not have read her book, I have to say that I agree with her already.   I don’t think it’s an accident or just a coincidence that we don’t see any Chinese or Japanese teens on Teen Mom or The Maury Povich Show.   Or for that matter anyone from Europe or Asia.  You don’t hear about high statistics of unwed teen mothers in countries overseas.  Now don’t go jumping down my neck, but I’m not going to sit here and get actual facts and figures, because yes, I’m sure that they have their share.  I’m just going on by what I read and see in the news and with my own eyes.

For example, today I went to my local Rite Aid store and while waiting online I heard this mother yelling at her three kids.  She was screaming at the top of her lungs for them to stop, as the children ran around the store taking down toy cars, messing with body washes on the shelves and just plain being pains in the ass.  She just kept yelling for them to stop, and they just would not listen.  At one point she lifted her hand as if to hit them, but even the “threat” of getting a beat down did nothing to stop these little monsters.  Now this mother had to be somewhere in her late 30’s, which in my opinion means she was probably really their grandmother.  Hey, don’t judge me for judging them, because I live in the BX and normally that’s how people roll down here.  Anyway, this incident made me think of another time I was in this very Rite Aid… Side note: this is not a bash on Rite Aid, it’s just where I happen to spend a lot of my time because I love drugstores J…  So while I was looking to buy some delicious Pepperidge Farm Sausalito Milk Chocolate Macadamia cookies, these two kids, a girl & a boy about 12 or 13, where getting scolded by store security.  The security guard kept asking the girl to give up what she had in the bag, because he knew she took it.  Her “accomplice”, a young boy I assumed was her brother, kept saying it was nothing, until finally I guess he couldn’t take the guilt and asked her to just give it back.  When the girl turned in whatever she had taken the security guard told her he had to take her to the back and call her parents, and then they walked away.  I went to purchase my cookies at the register where I saw two girl, probably no more than 20 years old, standing with a baby who was about maybe 3.  One girl starts saying, “But where are they? They should’ve have gotten it and been out by now.”  Another girl, who had to be younger than both of them, came by saying, “Oh, they got caught. They’re in the back calling your mom.”  One of the 20 year olds starts screaming something along of the lines of “Imma about to set it off in here.  That’s some bullshit. It’s not even that serious.  They didn’t even take nothing big.”  What I took from this was that these two geniuses either sent these two impressionable kids to steal something for them or knew that they wanted to steal something and allowed it.  And all I could think was, “This is the example we’re setting for our children?

What has happened to the parenting of today?  Why are some parents just as immature as their children?  Why are some older siblings and cousins, not setting an example either? See I’m saying some, because this blog isn’t about attacking all parents or other adult parent figures; I’m not attacking anyone at all.  I’m merely discussing many of the instances I’ve seen around me when it comes to children nowadays and their parents.  So this isn’t to say that every parent out there is horrible, because they’re amazing parents out there.  But then there are those that are just ridiculous and should be tested and examined before they have children.  Just the other day I saw two women arguing and cursing at each other on the train, and one of them had a little girl with her.  And when I say cursing, I mean words being used that even I was shocked to hear.  They looked like they couldn’t have been more than 20 or 21 years of age.  Is it that we have some many babies having babies?  Again, I know it’s not all young girls because I have friends and family members that had children at very young ages and they’re extremely good parents.  However it has to do with the type of young girls and women having children.  Have you watched 16 & Pregnant or Teen Mom or even Beyond Scared Straight?  It disgusting when you see these babies, because that’s what they are, having children, acting up, running around thinking they’re adults and not knowing the first clue of how to take care of themselves let alone another human being.  They get pregnant and think that now they have a living doll they can dress up and play with.  But that is not what being a parent is about.  And where are these girls’ mothers?  Out clubbing it up when they’re about to be grandmothers and not paying attention.  And where are the fathers?  The men that actually have stayed around to raise their children, get little or no respect from them, and decide to let them do whatever they want; because to them that will teach them a lesson.  And in the end who gets stuck raising these kids; the Grandparents.  Or what about that kid that sells a bag of weed and makes 20 bucks and thinks that’s the way to grow into being a billionaire one day?  What happened to the days when a kid even considered talking back or disrespecting their parents, and was already slapped across the face because the parent just knew what they were thinking.   Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t believe in violence and I definitely don’t believe in child abuse.  But with all these groups that “fight” for children like Child Welfare Services, these kids are taking advantage.  Even when I was young I’d tell my mom I was going to call BCW on her, and the worse thing she ever did was tell me she was disappointed I got a D on a Math test.   But even then, I would’ve never done something like that.  For some reason, though my mother never laid a hand on me, I was terrified of her and it was mostly out of respect.  This woman put clothes on my back, food in my mouth and paid for my education, even when she herself had to go hungry to do so.  How in the world could I disrespect my mother?  And that’s the main problem!  Children are so spoiled and have no idea what it is to live in the real world, so that act disrespectful to their parents and everyone else.  I’m telling you, once they get away with something once; it’s all downhill from there.

I see young kids raising other kids and it scares me for both of them.  I see these kids who skip school to sell candy on the train, explaining how it’s going to better them, and I’m appalled.   They’re still children themselves.  They listen to hardcore rap music in front of their own kids, cruse up a storm and when the kid repeats it they laugh and make it seem like this is ok behavior.  None of this is OK, and we really need to step up our game in watching and helping them out.  Kids nowadays have no concept of respect and responsibility, and I’m not sure where it was lost along the way, but it was.  Let’s stop glorifying the wrong things that they do.  It’s not cute for a 15 year old to be pregnant, so I’m sorry there will be no baby shower for you dear.  Will I help to make sure you go to school, graduate so you can better your life for yourself and your child; of course.  But am I going to sit here and by your baby the latest Jordan’s or a baby bag made by Coach.  No, you’re out of your GOT DAMN MIND.  If you come home with a D and think you’re going to the “Library” to hang with your friends. HELL NO!  You’re going to sit your behind down and study, and if you don’t like my way, get a job and move out!  I have no problem with tough love.  I guarantee when they realize they can’t do anything for themselves, they will straighten up.  Let’s start worrying about education, what you’re going to be when you are an adult finally, and stop worrying about boys, sex and wearing the latest and greatest styles.  First of all boys come and go. Second of all sex will be there for the rest of your life.  Third of all, those great styles will be out of style next week.  So Parents, Adults, Educators etc, talk to the children you know and even those you don’t, about what life is really about.  Give them the facts of life and stop making excuses for them.  I had a strong and amazing mother who was very open with me at a young age and to this day will lay it out on the line and tell me the truth without any filters.  And you know what, I’m so much better than I probably would’ve been if she had held back and have avoided quite a few mistakes in my life because of it.

Happy Blogging All

Toe-to-Toe Tuesdays: "Constant Contact" - When It's NOT Enough.

Welcome to our second edition of "Toe-to-Toe Tuesdays", where you get the female perspective of a topic on my page and the male perspective on fellow blogger, Ozymandias's page.... This week we discuss "Constant Contact: When It's NOT Enough."

Hello boyfriends of the world.  It’s girlfriends of the world talking to you.  How are you?  That’s wonderful to hear.  Are you comfortable?  Good, good.  So, ummm, let us ask you, have we actually spoken or been in touch with each other today?  No, you say.  Strange.  Oh, we get it; you forgot how to use a phone.  Oh, you didn’t.  Your email was down then.  Not that either?  Then we're at a loss.  Can you explain to us why we barely hear from you?

You may think I’m being dramatic, since I do have a flare for it; however I think this is a legitimate issue in relationships.  Now I’m not saying we have to speak around the clock, nor do we need to be up each other’s asses.  However as girlfriends, we don’t think it’s a terrible thing if we talk on the phone and actually SPEAK to each other daily.  Why does it seem that men have grown a phobia of being in contact with their girlfriends?  You sure as hell know how to call us when you want to have sex.  Yet when we want a little conversation, suddenly you become a teenager giving their parents the silent treatment.  What gives?  Did you forget how to use your words and speak out loud?   Trust me, we get it, your day at work today is about as exciting as a root canal, and it’s the same thing day in and day out.  So in your opinion you feel that there isn’t that much to talk about, so why call.  But we would like to at least possibly end our nights by saying goodnight and making sure you’re actually alive.  So what do you do, you text us.  OK, I’m a big texter as well; it saves me from lots of meaningless conversations.  And if it’s some simple question or comment I want to share, sure I’ll text/email you.  BUT when this becomes the only form of communication, it becomes EXTREMELY annoying.  Don’t text us all day here and there with gibberish & nonsense, and then when we bring up the fact that we haven’t spoken to you, tell us, “But we talked all day.”  In what world did we actually have a conversation?  Sending us funny videos of some dude getting kicked in the balls or texting us that you’re hungry and not sure what you should have for lunch, is NOT a conversation.

Again, I’m not saying we need to be Siamese twins, nor do we need to be Chatty Cathy girlfriends who go on about hair & nails & weight issues.  Because men seem to think that’s all we want to talk about, and that’s so wrong.  We also like to talk about your feelings.  Regardless, what we WANT is to have a real conversation with you.  I think a phone conversation once a day is sufficient enough.  I mean each time we speak, does it have to be your life story?  No.  I’m not sure we even care about your life story.  Nevertheless we would still like to hear from you, make sure you’re doing well and that we’re actually still dating.  My deepest sympathy to the man who’s girlfriend actually likes and wants to speak to him.  Oh the horror!!  I mean seriously, when we don’t care to speak to you anymore, nor do we crave your attention, that means the issue is bigger than our quest for friendly banter.

Here are, in my opinion, just a few instances when you should probably call and avoid text/email:

1. A family member of ours passes away.  Don’t send you’re sympathy via writing unless you’re in the hospital recuperating from some horrific accident.  If you’re fine, you won’t be for long.
2. We get laid off from our job and leave you a tearful voicemail on how we won’t be able to make the rent or feed ourselves.  Don’t text back, “Bummer” or “That sucks”.  This is only going to result in your own layoff.
3. Our Birthday.  Texting or sending a funny email of Hoops & Yoyo does not qualify you as wishing us a Happy Birthday; especially if you can’t even spell out the entire word: “Happy B-day”.  Are you kidding?  This is only allowed if you want to do something cute but can't call just yet because we’re at work or school or whatever.  But if you intend this to be your only form of well wishes to us on this day, then say goodbye in that text as well.
4. Holidays.  If you expect to get that PS3 you’ve been asking for all year, then we better hear and see you say Merry Christmas and act like you’re happy to be in this relationship.  Don’t text “Merry Xmas” and then come over at 10p expecting your gift all wrapped up and for shit to be cool.  It won’t’ be, and you’ll have just wasted your gas and have nothing to show for it.
5. If we're texting back and forth, and something is misinterpreted and you don't understand if we're joking.  Do not continue to text back and become angry because you don't know what's going on.  If you're that confused, pick up the phone and clear the air before you start making assumptions.  Unfortunately ladies, this goes for us too.  You know what they say, "When you assume, you only make an ass of yourself."
6. We’ve been down but haven’t wanted to talk about it.  Don’t text us when you finally think something might be wrong, asking us if something is indeed wrong.  If you were really all that interested you would call us to find out if and what is bothering us.  Don’t want to put in the effort?  Then don’t pretend to care…On second thought, you probably should avoid the whole relationship thing all together.
7. We’re out late and call you to ask you to be on standby so we can call you while we walk home.  Don’t text back while we're in the tunnel of the train or in some place we can't get service, telling us that you’re now going to be in the middle of some Gears Of War marathon with your brother and cousins and you’re going to “Disgrace them” and won't be able to really pay attention to the phone.  Hi, I’m about to get raped and/or mugged.  Could you act as if you care?
8. Off “contact” topic, but to the above, don’t you dare say, “What am I suppose to do if something does happen?”  It doesn’t matter if you’re there or not, we just want to feel safer and for some idiotic reason your voice helps. Take it as a compliment and just talk to us.  You can still play your game, watch TV, eat or play with yourself while you talk to us; we don't care.  Just be a good boyfriend and talk to us!
9. We’re in the hospital having your child.  Do not call.  Do not text. Do not email.  You should be there even if you are turning the colors of the wall.

So you see, we're not asking for a marathon long conversation.  We're not asking for you to listen to us complain about how our jeans didn't fit this morning.  Mainly because we'll discuss that while we're eating a huge bowl of pasta when we go out this weekend.  What we're askign for is for you to talk to us more than twice a week and not only via text/email.  Think about how much faster all that "talk" would be in a 5 to 10 minute phone conversation.  Besides, our Carpal Tunnel is acting up, so make believe you care about our hands (we know you do) and pick up the phone and call!  Its hilarious to me when men say that they don't understand women, when all we require is food, compliments & attention.  I mean it's really not that difficult gentleman, so stop acting so confused.  If you'd pay more attention to us, the same way we do to you, (because you must admit in many instances we know you better than you know yourselves) both of our lives would be a lot more pleasant.

So how do our boyfriends feel about the topic of "Contact"?  Check out Ozymandias blog, where he discusses this relationship issue from a male's/boyfriend's point of view.

Happy Blogging All!

My First Blogger Event: Meet & Greet for "Ghetto Klown"

Thanks to my fabulous cousin, New York Chica, I was invited to my first blogger event; a Meet & Greet with John Leguizamo and the producer of his new show Ghetto Klown, Fisher Stevens.   Now if you don't know who John Leguizamo is, just click off this page.  That's just sad and you disgust me ;).  Now, my first introduction to John was when I was about 10 or 11 years old, when a few of my cousins were watching Mambo Mouth.  I didn't understand any of the content at the time, but I remember being mesmerized by his energy.  He just kept coming out as these different people and it was sort of strange but exciting to me.  And when he came out dressed as Manny the Fanny & singing freestyle (my favorite music genre), I just thought that was so goofy and funny; I immediately started laughing.  A man dressed as a woman?  Who would do such a thing?  Obviously at that age I wasn't aware of the gay craze that was sweeping The Village.  But either way I was in love.  Then there’s Fisher Stevens, whom some of you may remember from a little movie called SHORT CIRCUIT (1 & 2)!  Yes, I'm sure not what he'd like to be remembered for, considering he won an Oscar for the amazing documentary "The Cove" last year.  But it will always be one of my top 10 favorite movies.  Come on, as if I was the only one that cried when Johnny #5 got beat up?  Whatever, you can play it cool; I know the truth!  Anyway, when she told me about this opportunity, I was so excited I nearly peed my pants.  OK, I did pee my pants, but like you haven't!  I just couldn't believe it.  I'd previously met John while he was on Broadway performing "Sexaholics...a Love Story" back in 2002.  I just dated myself, didn’t I?  However when I met him, he seemed scared out of his mind, which I guess I can't blame him considering we were waiting in a dark alley for him.  Well I was definitely ready and due for my do-over.  But of course, as my luck would have it, I woke up the day of the event (Thursday 1/20/11) sick as a dog.  I'm on a new "health food" kick, which is obviously ruining my life.  But I could not let this pesky vomiting get in my way.  I was on my way to meet & greet my idol, my absolute favorite actor & comedian, Mr. John Leguizamo!  Oh yea, and Fisher Stevens ;)

Of course desperate Susie here got there a little too early.  So while I waited, I began typing my questions into my phone and contemplating throwing up one last time before I went in.  Finally at 5:05pm we were invited in, where there was plenty of wine, water, soda, a cheese & cracker platter and a fruit platter for us to feast on.  But I could not let food and booze distract me.  The last thing I needed was to be in the middle of a question and have to excuse myself.  So, being the first one in the room, I darted to the chairs and made sure to sit in the front row, right in the middle.  I sat there as Fisher & John sat in their corner like nothing, just patiently waiting for their guests to arrive and take their seats.  At this point I’m shaking like a crack-head going through withdrawal.  These geniuses, because that’s exactly what they are, we’re calmly sitting there and here I was sweating like a roasted Pernil in a Christmas oven.  Finally the event began.  After a short introduction, Fisher began with explaining to the audience how he and John first met during a park production of A Mid Summer's Night Dream.  Apparently John became too invested in his role as Puck and put itching powder in Fisher's underwear.  Prank gone wrong, as Fisher screamed that there was shattered glass in his pants.  But he did retaliate by spraying John's dressing room door with shaving cream.  Both men were fined by the authorities, but it was well worth it.  A few years later they worked on a movie, which maybe you’ve heard of, Super Mario Bros.  Yup, I've seen it and I'll still say I love it.  Just like To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, it is a guilty pleasure, which I'm not at all guilty about.   Fisher continued on, saying that he'd seen the first stages of the show, Ghetto Klown, about 2 years ago when John first started working on it and both gentlemen decided to collaborate on the project together.  And from that a beautiful marriage of creativeness, craziness and intense energy was formed.

Fisher Stevens producer of Ghetto Klown

Then it was time for my idol to step up to the plate.  There he was, smack right in front of me: JOHN FREAKING LEGUIZAMO.  He stood in all his glory and it was as if I was a baby who had something shiny dangling in front of her.  You could say I was a little in awe of him.  He explained that the show would be similar to that of Freak & Sexaholix, in that he'd be talking about his adolescence, his early days of acting and the acting business, and that he would be showcasing his dance moves to all types of music.  Of course smart ass here was able to stop drooling long enough to ask him to show us his moves.  And though he didn’t quite land his split, he gave us a snippet of what’s to come.  He did go on to say that the show would differ from the previous shows in that he’ll be doing more impersonations.  But not just impersonations of his family members, but of people in the industry.  He talked about impersonating actors from Steven Seagal to Harrison Ford, all while they're photos will be projected behind him; sort of staring at him in and criticizing.  This brings us to the only other character in the show, the Slide Projector.  The Slide Projector will have photos of not only those being comically destroyed by Leguizamo, but photos of his mother, father, family, friends, his ex wife and his current wife. (Hmmm, wonder what she'll think of that?)  The projector will serve as a background and give the show a documentary feel, since this is a story that will speak to us about his journey in life.  He ended by saying: "This show really went a lot deeper than my other shows. I was trying to do what I can do in movies.  Usually a lot darker, a lot more acting, doing a lot more four person than three person scenes, that I never use to do as much in the other shows [more like two people most of the time]; adding a little Sam Shepard and Arthur Miller to the piece.  So we take you to a lot of laughs and a lot of really dark edgy places.  I mean I always did the dark comedy, but this time going even further, so that's a big thrill to be doing something, that shows my work maturing."

John Leguizamo (Sorry John, this was the best shot I got of you.)

I was fortunate enough to be able to ask him a question during the Q&A session:

Sorry for cutting off his body, but I took pictures and recorded the video from my lap in order not to distract anyone.  So my hands kind of went Blair Witch.

After the Q&A he met with everyone in the room and we were all able to ask him more questions and take photos with him.  I was extremely nervous & so excited that I barely asked him anything.  I did however thank him profusely for following me on Twitter and asked him if he'd read my blog.  I told him I'd be writing about him and he said "Well now I have too."  I told him if he read one of my blogs and gave me a thumbs up or down (I really don't care which) I would be eternally grateful.  So here's hoping!  But in all I have to say that, every person at this event was absolutely amazing.  I have been to quite a few events because of the work that I do (working in Advertising) and have not met a nicer group of people than I did on this evening.  They were polite, eager to get our feedback and very receptive to our questions and comments.  Even Nelle Nugent, who is a part of WestBeth Entertainment (the company presenting Ghetto Klown), came up and personally introduced herself to everyone in the room, which I thought was extremely nice.  If all Blogger events are like this, I'm going to enjoy the world of Blogging.  Hell, if life was at all this pleasant, I wouldn’t get into half the fights I do on the 2 train, and would enjoy my Monday morning commutes a lot more.

You wouldn’t know it, but yes I am quite sick in this picture. But I wasn’t going to let that ruin the most incredible moment of my life. Totally worth throwing up right after this.

In my opinion, if this show is anything like his others (and I have a feeling it's going to be better), trust me; you'll want to get your tickets now!  They're currently available on Telecharge.com and are as low as $29.50.  You can also follow the show and get up-to-date information at @ghettoklown on Twitter.  I already follow & I have my tickets.  See John, I should be working for you.  Hopefully I get to meet you AGAIN, so we can discuss and so I can ask you the questions I was too nervous to ask.  Give me another do over!
 
Happy Blogging All

***Disclaimer: All opinions existing in the above commentary are solely those of its creator.  All information provided in the commentary are based on the experience of the creator at the event. This blog does not serve to criticize, endorse or represent any product, and merely describes an opinion and should be taken solely as such.***

Wordless Wednesday

This is what my department had as a snack today....

Cupcakes of all kinds, including my FAVORITE Red Velvet



This is what I, as a fatty in recovery, had as a snack today....

Red Velvet Cake Flavored Yoplait Yogurt

God help the person that pisses me off on the way home!

Happy Wordless Wednesday All

Toe to Toe Tuesdays: Orgasms

*Listen up friends, every Tuesday my friend Ozymandias and I will be going “Toe-to-Toe” on any given topic.  Here you’ll get a females point of view and on his page you’ll get a males point of view.   Make sure to check out both of our posts every Tuesday for dueling views, ideas and opinions.* 

Disclaimer: The contents of today's blog is that of a sexual nature.  Reader discretion is advised.

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So you finally managed to nab yourself a date after months of playing the field. The first date turns into the second date and so forth.  He’s hot, you’re hot, and you’ve talked about everything under the sun to make you think you're soulmates, so of course you start to wonder when that “special moment” is finally going to happen.  All you’ve done up until this point is imagine, dream & draw pictures of how wonderful and spontaneous that moment will be; and of course it’s going to be great…right?  So after some funny movies, cheap wine and a back rub, you both start to go in for the kill.   There’s passion, lust and heat circulating in the air and neither of you can control yourselves.  Everything is going great, you're seeing unicorns, bubblegum and raindrops and then it happens. YOU'RE STUCK!  Homeboy starts going crazy huffin’ and puffin’ away, meanwhile you’re wondering where Ashton Kutcher is, because you’re definitely being PUNKED.  So what do you do?  Start moaning and calling out “oh baby oh baby” or whatever the kids say nowadays.  When this debacle is finally over and he’s done with his one man show, he rolls over and tells you how great it was.  And now because you’ve made a colossal sex mistake by pretending to be satisfied, you’re left shocked, confused & now pulling your underwear out of the dogs mouth so you can get the hell out of there.

Yes, ladies (and gentleman who’ve popped in just in time) the topic of the day is ORGASMS.  Have you had them? Thankfully I have. If not, do you fake them?  Let me answer that one for you, NO!  However, I’ve known quite a few women (and sadly was one for a short period of time) who have done so to either get the deed over with or to make their lover feel better.  First of all, if you feel like “getting it over with”, then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex at all.  There are a lot of sex-less ladies out there that would love to be getting it in and you’re just tarnishing Sex’s name.  Second of all, if you feel like you have to make your lover boy feel better, then expect to have meaningless and orgasamless sex for the remainder of your relationship.  And if you’re married, God bless you.

Sadly there are women out there that have become more concerned with crushing “his” ego than their own needs.  For whatever reason, whether its “he won’t like me anymore” or “I don’t want him to think he’s less of a man”, women lie.  Well who cares if he doesn’t like you anymore, he sucks in bed and if he can’t help you reach the “the promised land”, then he isn’t much of a man.  OK, before I get someone complaining, I am in no way bashing men here.  I love men! Go team men. I know that there are many men out there who take their time and are concerned with a woman’s needs.  These men will take the time to figure out what it is that gets you all hot and bothered.  However, for other men (and I use that term loosely) they simply just don’t care.  But all men do have one thing right, unlike many women, they ALWAYS worry about their needs.  And guess what?  They always get theirs.  So why do ladies make a fool of themselves and their partner by pretending??   Now Going back to a conversation I once had with a male friend, I remember telling him that I had faked it because I was just in pure shock at the horror of the experience I had had.  He laughed and said that men didn’t care if women faked it or not.  He told me that no matter what, a man was going to *choice word*, so they really didn’t care.  I was so offended by this, but I had to agree.  He was completely right.  Why on earth would they care, and especially if you’re just dating.  If you’re not in a committed relationship or married, where a woman can just make a man’s life hell because she’s unhappy or because it’s Monday, what reason would a man have to go above and beyond to help you out.  Again I ask, why pretend to be satisfied?  Who’s really hurting here? Not him. He’s sitting there with a smile on his face the size of Texas and eating fried chicken.  It’s you (you as in the lady faking it) that's left miserable! Now you’re all upset and bitchy and dudes got no clue as to why you’re stomping around pissed off and cursing out his mother and father and family dog.   So ladies take my advice:

1.   First, if you have to ask yourself what an Orgasm is, then the chances are PRETTY HIGH that you’ve never had one.  Go work on that, and then come back to read 2-7.

2.   If the sex sucks that bad, and you can’t even get close to achieving the “rolling of the eyes into the back of your head" feeling, then chances are it’s never going to happen between you two.  Politely tell him to get the hell off you and end it there.  Don’t just lay there and wait for him to finish.  This isn't a job interview where you're courteously letting him finish talking about his skills and past work experiences even though he's not getting the job. Just stop it!  Don’t you have a show waiting for you at home on your DVR?  Yea, go watch that, because if you’re not going have any cake at this party, then no one should be having cake. 

3.   Don’t expect him to do all the work.  That idea went out in the 40s!  If you want to get to the top of the mountain, you need to put a pep in your step and move your ass; literally!  I don’t understand why you’re even in the competition if you don’t plan on finishing the race.

4.   Ladies, stop pumping up his ego.  Stop making him think he’s so damn fantastic when really he’s rather tragic.  Not only are you ruining it for yourself, but once you’ve realized your misfortune and decide to leave, the next girl has to figure out who the hell lied & told him he’s so fabulous or that baby talk in bed is sexy.  The one thing I despise hearing from a man is when he says, “Well I’ve never had any complaints.” See ladies, this is what you’ve done.  Are you proud of yourselves?? Now Don Juan here thinks he’s flawless in the sack because of your Academy Award performance.

5.   If he thinks he’s so great, make him show you how great he is.  If you’re not done, you tell him to saddle on up because a Round 2 is in your foreseeable future.  Don’t let him play the “hungry & sleepy” bit on you.  AND don’t be ashamed if you finally get there and he’s still going.  Eye for an eye! So unless you’re both up for trying to make it a double, then it’s perfectly OK to say you’ve had enough and let that be the end.

6.   Oral.  Yes, when we know that sex isn’t going to solve our *ahem* problem, this is usually a crowd pleaser.  HOWEVER there are instances when this doesn’t work.  Why? Because someone told him that everything he sees in Porno’s is perfectly acceptable to perform on a woman.  Why men watch these videos and think that’s how all woman like things, is beyond me.  Tell him to knock it off and stop treating you like a sex doll.  What’s the point of even being there if you’re not going to have fun?  Just the same way they tell you what they like or don’t like, you need to open your mouth and do the same.  COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

7.   Continuing with the above, if it’s not happening for you, just tell the dude to stop.  No one wants to walk around with or see anyone walking around with lockjaw for 2 days, nor do they want to hear his neck sound like the creaking of an old rocking chair.  Its uncool and creepy.

8.   This one, is for the men...  Gentleman, just because you're "hitting it harder" doesn't mean the job is going to get done faster.  No one wants to have to wake up in the morning ready to schedule an appointment to the Chiropractor.  So please for the love of our bodies, ease on up on the Jack Rabbit routine.

Orgasms are a wonderful and beautiful thing, but it’s up to both parties involved to get to the pot of gold at the end of the Orgasm rainbow.  I've never seen or heard of a man just laying there waiting for a woman to do everything, so why should we. Nor have I ever heard of a man faking it.  If they don't like it, they will let you know!  So ladies, if he's not doing it the way you want or it seems like you're not going anywhere fast, make a change.  Its not always their fault, even though we'd love to put the blame them.  Remember if you want it done right, speak up.  If not, make it a do-it-yourself project and stop with the acting performances.

Now to get a Males point of view on the Ladies and their "faking it" act, go to Toe to Toe Tuesdays: Orgasms (Male Point of View).

Happy Blogging All