WTF Is An Ophiuchus? And Who The Hell Am I?

According to an article on Thirdage.com, a new Zodiac Sign has been introduced (article here: New Zodiac Dates) called Ophiuchus.  So now everything you thought you knew about yourself & your personality is about to be erased.  Worlds will be turned upside down.  Identities will vanish. Computers will go into overload and websites will shut down as the world tries to find out what their true signs reveal about them.  Prepare yourself for the revised version of the Zodiac List:

The New 13 Sign Zodiac Dates

Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

Ladies & Gentleman I am not lying. There is no joking around; this list is the real deal.  And personally I'm appalled. I mean how am I suppose to go on living? These astrological assholes expect me to accept the fact that I'm no longer a diplomatic, romantic, easy going, idealistic, flirtatious and self-indulgent person (Libra).  But instead now I'm some analytical, observant, reliable, fussy, cold-hearted asshole (Virgo).  All these years I've been lead to believe that I was a certain person and now, now I'm suppose to just suck it up and change? I think not Zodiac. I. Think. Not!  This change proposes to just mess with my entire identity.  A Virgo? A freaking Virgo? That's not me at all.  What am I suppose to do with all my Precious Moments figurines that say Libra on them?  What am I supposed to do with my collage of scales and other Libra symbols? What do I do with my dog, Little Libra?  OMG and does my birthstone & flower stay the same? I have too many Opal earrings to just throw away.  And that tattoo on my ass of the cherub holding the scales? What do I do with that?!  And dear sweet baby Jesus, what the fuck hell is Walter Mercado going to do now?  Do you know how old he is? He doesn't have time to learn a whole new sign. And little old Spanish ladies aren’t going to know what to do with themselves.  How would you even say that word in Spanish? I can hear my grandmother now asking me, “Como se dice, Op. Ofi. OhPhe.Ohfuckus.”  What have they done? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE??!!...

OK, I'm completely joking here.  However, there are many people out there who do take the signs very seriously.  Even this article shows that fact.  And I won’t act as if I’m the cool kid who doesn’t read that stuff. I do read it, and I believe that many of the characteristics I’ve read about Libra in many ways describe the type of person I am.  However, do I live my life by looking up signs so I know what kind of shit I’m suppose to take on a particular day? Ummm, no.  Do I read horoscopes? Yes, but for fun!  Trust me, my horoscope says every week I’m going to find love & money and I’m still waiting. If I went by those "facts" I would've jumped off the roof of my house a long time ago.  And I certainly find it amusing seeing what they say my "love match" is, but I know that it’s all BS.  Me with an Aquarius? Been there and needless to say, I'm not there now.  But do we really have nothing better to do than to make up more shit to confuse everyone?  You know how many people right now are looking at their arm and leg tattoos and wondering if they have money to remove it because instead of a Aries now they're a Pisces?   Do you know how many people out there at this very second are wondering if their personalities will suddenly change due to this?  I mean a shift in the planets of course means I shift in you, right? I shit you not! I had a conversation with someone who asked me if his personality was going to change now that his sign was different.  Holy Mother Of God!  This is why the public school systems need more money and better teachers… And while we’re on the subject of teachers, Fellowships need to stop hiring just anyone to be a teacher just because they failed the BAR exam and can’t figure out what else to do in life….  But seriously, does anyone watch the news?  Birds are falling out of the sky, fish are just washing up on shores dead, comets (that no one can locate) are just crashing down on earth, parents are spray tanning their 15 month olds and waxing their eyebrows and this is what we’re worried about.  “I’m a Leo all day everyday son. That’s what’s up.” Umm do me the favor and ask the person sitting next to you to punch you in the mouth for me. You're a fool.  Because what we really need to be talking about here is the Apocalypse. It's coming people. According to my morning train preacher, it's coming May 2011. Have you prayed today?.....Totally joking about the Apocalypse thing…. Well maybe. ;)

And now with all that said, I say take these changes with a grain of salt and look at the silver lining of things. Like me for instance. I will always be a Libra; that’s how I was born and I just like the way it sounds. But now when I act like an asshole or make some stupid mistake, I can finally use that split personality excuse, “I’m sorry it wasn't me, it was Virgo.”

Con Mucho Mucho Amor, Happy Blogging All 

Why Am I Such A Fatty McFatty?

Angel Me: I wonder why I'm gaining weight?
Devil Me: Maybe its because your fat ass doesn't know how to put down the pizza and walk away.
Angel Me: But fatty likes pizza :(

So this morning I woke up at 6am and told myself, "Maybe I should get up and run." Great idea! But instead, though I wasn't sleepy anymore, I decided to stay in bed and eventually dozed off.  I don't understand what it is about me, but I just can not get my fat ass out of bed to work out.  I can't even get myself to go after work. I just have no energy or desire to do so.  I finally woke up at 8am to get ready for work.  And as always, I was running late. Why was I running late you ask. Was it because I woke up at 8 and should be at work by 9:30? No, that wasn't it. Was it because I dragged my ass the entire morning? Nope, that was it either.  It was because I got into a brawl with 5 pairs of jeans and they all won.  Two pairs of jeans barely made it up my cuchifrito thighs, one pair of jeans did manage to get up the thighs after doing the snake on my bed, but after buttoning them I lost consciousness for a good 3 minutes.  1 pair I didn't even bother because who wants to burst into tears so early in the morning. The last pair, Jeggings (which always work in a pinch) went up over the thighs and buttoned comfortably. However once on, they proceeded to give me that oh so sexy camel toe look. If the shirt I was wearing had been longer, I swear I would've just walked out, but it was not.   And though some of the ladies out here may be cool with that look, I prefer for people not to see my cervix when I walk. Finally I decided to wear my trustee go to jeans, which are a size larger than what I normally wear and waddled off to work.

Now I don't know why I continue to gain weight. I really don't eat that badly. For example I had a Nutri-Grain bar and a cup of coffee for breakfast, a turkey & cheese sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes & mustard and a bag of Sour & Cream potato chips for lunch (that's my big meal of the day; and hey didn't Jared lose weight on sandwiches?) and then a bowl of Special K for dinner. I'll throw some snacks in there every once in a while, but it's like Special K crackers or Rice Cakes. So is what I'm eating really that bad?  OK, I did have McDonald's for dinner last Friday & Wendy's for Dinner on Sunday, BUT what I ate during the day on both those days, was pretty good; nothing worse than scrambled eggs, and that's good in protein right?  I've even given up soda. SODA! Do you know what's that like for a Coca Cola addict like myself? Do you?! It's like asking the birds not to fly. Wait they're dropping quicker then a Teen Mom's panties. OK, it's like asking Brett Favre not to be a perv. It's just nature.  The worse part of it all, is as women, the older we get, the harder it is to lose weight. You know that commercial where the woman says she cut out soda and lost like a pound and her husband cut it out and lost like 15 lbs. That's how I feel. Men lose weight, and women pick it up.  And I've tried doing tons of detoxes, some of which have actually been successful. But for some reason, the older I get, the worse my self-control gets. I've been dieting or rather trying to watch my weight and food intake for the past few months and all I do is go up and down like a damn see-saw. I'm about to take my savings and just pay for the damn lipo!

So yesterday, after being on the phone for half an hour with Amazon fixing my Kindle, I was not up for the gym. Surprise, surprise the girls' got another excuse. But anyway, in Christmas of '09 my mom got me the Wii Fit and I've only used it once. So when I walked into the living room afterwards, I decided what the hell, let me give the Wii Fit another go.  All I did was take the Body Test and I almost cried. Not only am I, according to this game, border line obese, my Wii Fit age is 47! Christ, 47?  Really? I'm only 28 :(.  I know my bones creak A LOT, but 47.  And what is up with the little Wii Fit board onscreen that tells you to get on the board and when you do it goes, "OOOOOOO" in this voice that sounds like it's not so silently saying "Bitch you just broke me, get off." Just tell me to jump off a bridge because I'm too fat to live. After a quick Hula Hoop game in the "Aerobics" section, in which i huffed and puffed like the old bitch that I am, I quit. I was so disgusted by myself.

So today, after canceling on the gym again (apparently my brain went into shut down mode while waiting for the 2 train, because four number 5's went by before I got on one. So I completely forgot I had told my friend I'd go to the gym with him) I decided to just do the Wii Fit.  Besides I know that Planet Fatness is still full of all those "New Years' Resolutioners" who are continuing to fake it and are taking up precious machines I'd like to use. I rather deal with my sister staring at me work out then to deal with them. Which, why do people do that? It irks me when people watch me work out. What are you looking at? And please don't criticize my movements. This goes for home & at the gym. Anyway I decided to do Yoga & some Aerobics to start.  Now this is in no way an endorsement for the game console or the actual game, it's just really my experience and opinion. But if I ever hear anyone make fun of people that say they've lost weight on the Wii Fit again, I'm punching them right in the throat! After the 52 minutes I spent using this, I understand how, if done properly, people can get in shape.  It's exactly like doing a video. Why I didn't continue on when I first got it, is beyond me? I did 7 of the Yoga poses offered, 2x or 3x's each, and then I did some Running, Steps and Crunches. Let me tell you, Yoga is no joke. I've never done it before because my balance is horrible and I couldn't stand on one leg and hold the other if my life depended on it. But right now my legs are sore and so is my stomach. Either this thing really works, or I'm seriously out of shape. I know it's the latter, but I'm gonna have faith and say it's the first one.
  
So I think I'm going to try this for a little while.  And if it doesn't work, then I'll just have to come to the terms with this blob I call a body and blow the fucking game up.  As it stands the Wii Fit still says I'm 47 and sad to say that's how my body feels, which is so depressing and makes me want to eat a cookie. My sister tested herself as well and we found that little miss ballerina's age is 25 (she's really 11). Hahaha, take that! In yo face! That's right, I make fun of kids. So when we told our mom what our ages were she said, "What?! Well then what am I then, like 80".  And I said, "No, you're probably dead."

Happy Blogging All

***Disclaimer: All opinions existing in the above commentary are solely those of its creator.  All information provided in the commentary are based on the experience of the creator with the products mentioned. This blog does not serve to criticize, endorse, or represent any product.  Please take opinion solely as such and not as valid information.***

My Review of The Bachelor 1/10/11

OK, I was going to review The Bad Girls Club today. However I wasn't able to re-watch it on Oxgyen or Hulu and I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything and did it justice.  So in its place I've decided to review a show I only started watching yesterday, thanks to the fabulousness that is Hulu. Since my mother won't get DVR I am obsessed with this site.
 

The Bachelor ABC 8p: 

This is a 2 hour show, so prepare yourself for a long post.  Now I've never watched any of the past Bachelor's or Bachelorette's; it's only thanks to Hulu that I started watching this season.  So it was news to me that this man was on a previous season and didn't pick anyone. When I heard this, he had already earned my respect. I mean someone finally goes on this show and admits that in 10 weeks he didn't find the love of his life. Shocking! It irks me that every single one of these Bachelor's and Bachelorettes supposedly finds there true love and proposes. Then after the last episode airs, we all find out they've been broken up since the initial proposal (I don't need to watch the show to know this, I have my trashy magazines to tell me that) Its so ridiculous. Society already makes a mockery of marriage, so why not put it on television, right?  So now this guy is back, and as quickly as he gained my respect he lost it not only by coming back to the scene of the crime BUT because now he promises to make the commitment and propose. Why in the world would you make such a "promise"? How could you make such a promise? Are you really that convinced that "the one" is in this bunch?  Sir, you just keep rising on the stupid meter.

 

*SPOILER ALERT*

8p-9p - In this episode, as in the previous one, the women shamelessly & embarrassingly fight over Brad. This is the point where their parents who are watching at home wish they'd worn a condom and their friends delete them from Facebook.  Chris explains the rules of the game, *ahem* I mean rules of the dates, to the women. As if they haven't already watched every season with the burning desire to one day be on the show. "I'm 24, already washed up. It's obvious there is just no hope for me. Wait a minute, I can get on that show The Bachelor. All I need is to make a complete fool of myself, be white and I'm in!" Yes, I said it. Where the hell is the diversity on this show???  But that's a different blog topic.  So Chris then lays a date card on the table.  Can someone explain to me why every time a date card is presented, these "women" go apeshit and start screaming?  You all know what's coming, relax you horny broads. And while we're on the subject of horny airheads, why did Melissa quit her job to be on the show? So if you're not picked, exactly who's going to pay your bills?...On to the 1st solo date where Brad takes Ashley to a carnival and they both compare their deadbeat dads. How romantic...Side note when he turned on the light to reveal that clown face, I almost sharted myself. You know, someone could've warned me!...  So Ashley has an amazing time, tickles his lungs with her tongue and says in her interview that she is already falling for this man she's known for all of 2 days.

Then there is a group date, where the ladies went on to film a Red Cross PSA. Michelle, who's birthday happens to fall on this day, complains. She whines and whines about how horrible this day will be for her, having to spend romantic time that should be for her and Brad, with other women and of all days on her birthday. Sorry girl, no sympathy from me and I'm sure none from the girls in the house. You knew what you were getting yourself into. You'll have another birthday next year....Another side note, but does anyone else think this guy look like a total doofus? I can't see anyone having an intelligent conversation with him...  Well at least they're doing something positive with the PSA, but of course not without complaints about roles and costumes and smooch time.  Michelle continues to complain about this birthday debacle and storms off set, only to have (what she wanted all along) Brad go after her.  Michelle we get it, for the 80th time it's your 30th birthday but SHUT THE FU*K UP! After the the shoot they go to an "after party" where the ladies continue with their cattiness, argue, call each other immature and whine about not getting time with Brad. In the end, Michelle gets the rose at the group date since guess what?  It was her birthday. Who knew. Has anyone else noticed that this chick is a total Looney Toon?  Oh and mainly fighting in this hour were Melissa and Rachel...

9p-10p - 2nd solo date is with Jackie for a Pretty Woman inspired day with Spa treatments, dresses, shoes, jewelry & a private concert performed by the group Train. She got her pick of beautiful dresses, so why she chose the ugliest one is beyond me...On this date, as in the one with Ashley, Brad tells her that he's scared of her for whatever reason and but that he's changed.  Meanwhile in his background interviews it’s obvious he's terrified.  Lordy, why are you back on this show dude? Did they give you more money? Or was it the promise of an STD outbreak, that lured you back in? I give the relationship with whomever he ends up with 3 months. 

Now onto the cocktail party where Brad gets the chance to learn more about the ladies. But wait, here comes Looney Toon to kidnap Brad. She already has a rose but obviously she has to speak to him urgently about a very serious issue that's been weighing on her heart. She finally gets up the nerve to ask him that age old question, "Starbucks or Coffee Bean?"  This woman is BEYOND DESPERATE and LAME! Have some pride in yourself and stop making women around the world look bad.  Finally Brad talks to the other women in his very awkward way. Seriously, the guy is a doofus. What attraction do they have to him? Did I miss the part where he reveals he's got millions upon millions or that he has the cure to Cancer?  The worst part is when both Melissa and Rachel go up to him, separately, crying about the other girl.  Yes, ladies this is exactly what a man wants to hear. A woman crying and complaining to a man, especially one who is surrounded by 20 other beautiful and quiet ladies, is about as sexy as grandma's panties.  His face while talking to both of them is priceless; he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Later in the party, previous Bachelorette Ali and her chosen one, Roberto come in to help Brad with the ladies.  They basically talk to all the girls to assess if they're a good fit for our little Brad. Melissa & Rachel do the crying bit to them as well. Lord please get rid of them. Puh-lease!  Ali & Roberto decide to give their rose to Emily. I'm not even sure who this chick is nor did I realize there was an Emily on the show. At The Rose Ceremony he does what we've all been praying for, & gets rid of the brats Rachel & Melissa, and some other chick. At first I was kind of bummed, but then I remembered that Michelle is still in, so we'll have plenty of drama in the future. Uh, and Keltie, how dramatic and depressing.  I thought I was bad, but Jesus is this chick negative. It’s the saddest thing when people have no personality or any kind of depth to them. Apparently this was her last ditch effort to find love and now she's destined to be alone.  Maybe dating shouldn't be your major concern here; let’s work on the inside first and then we'll get to that.  Well I guess Brad might not be that much of a doofus after all.

I give this episode a depressing two thumbs up. Depressing because these girls are just sad and kind of makes me feel bad to laugh at them. The thumbs up because I'll be back to watch this waste of TV air time next week to continue the laughter. Though I'm not sure I can blog about it, it’s just way too much to write. LOL :)

I also watch Tabatha's Salon Takeover on Monday's, but I find she's perfect and can do no wrong so no need to criticize her. ;)

Happy Blogging All

***Disclaimer: All opinions existing in this commentary are solely those of its creator. Please take opinion solely as such and not as valid information.***

Monday Grievances

In today's edition of "Confessions..." I'm discussing my grievances with riding the Subway. I could be here for days explaining to you all the reasons why I hate the Subway, the MTA & it's riders, but I'll just focus on the issues I encountered on this lovely Manic Monday.

So today I over slept because I forgot to set my alarm. Whether it was consciously or not, strays us off topic. I didn't rush because I thought, "Well at least I get to miss the AM train traffic rush where the trains start too look like a morning in China." (Click on this link if you're unsure of what I'm referring too...How to catch a train in China.)  So finally I make it to the station and it was beyond full. People every where just standing around. Since it's so cold outside the riders were waiting inside the station. Now I get you want to be warm but standing in front of the turnstile on both sides is beyond annoying (grievance 1). And God forbid I use that naughty word no one uses in New York, "Excuse Me", because you get the dirtiest look ever. And while we're on the topic, what's with the dirty look? Would you rather I curse you out and tell you to, "Get the fuck outta the way idiot so I can get through".  It's called manners and just like my ass, I got it from my Momma. I know, manners what a shocking concept. If you like I can teach you. Moving on, I finally get on to the platform and walk to a spot. Please tell me why if i'm standing in a spot, why you would feel the need, when there is enough space around both of us, to stand RIGHT NEXT TO ME? (grievance 2). I'm claustrophobic and feel that one day this is going to happen and I'm going to have the worse freak out that will be sure to appear on the News or Youtube. It's gonna be bad. So I get on the train, and on the next train stop a girl walks in and says excuse me to me (wow someone with manners. We just spoke about this. BUT lets not get ahead of ourselves). I move over so she can get by, BUT she doesn't really move in. She moves in half way and basically stands where I just moved from. Now if I'm nice enough to move over to let you in (and yes, I say nice enough because you could ask someone kindly to move 100x and they won't even budge) then can you move ALL the way in. How rude of you to now stand in the way and give me attitude when I try to move back into the position I was in previous. And now I'm stuck in a position where I can barely move because their is someone next to me, and meanwhile you have alllll this space (grievance 3). Do you expect me to teeter totter like a got damn weeble wobble? Thankfully I had to transfer to the 5, so this only lasted a stop.

I get on the 5, respectfully let people off and woohoo I get a seat. Now if you ride the the 2/5 line in NYC you know getting a seat is almost impossible in the morning. What you also know about these trains is that the longer seats are set up so three people can sit on one side comfortably and 4 people can sit on the other side comfortably.  So I sit down on the four seat side, and there are already 3 women there. Now between me and the woman to my left, there was a little space. Now when I say little, I mean a bag could possibly fit there, but not a person; not even a child. Mainly the space is there so we can have a nice distance from each other. Now here comes this lady, about 45 in age we'll say, and really starts to motion to go and sit in that space. WTF?! I'm sorry who in the hell told you you were going to fit there (grievance 4). Why do people do this? It's clear you don't fit and yet you still try to smoosh your ass self in there.  Now this has nothing to do with the size of the woman. I told you, a bag could possibly fit there. She starts coming in and motioning for us to move over so she can sit down, and with a smile on her face like everything is just gravy.  Wipe the smile away lady, you're not fitting in this space!  I'm not exaggerating when I say she was about to sit down on both of our laps, before the girl got up so she could sit down.

So now that I'm settled I pull out my Kindle and start reading my new book.  Now the two women on my right side are putting on some disgusting smelling sanitizer. I mean it reeked; it smelled like dirty mop water with clorox.  The woman right next to me makes this loud obnoxious noise and lets on an "EWWW!" Come on now, you're not teenages, which I would expect that from. These women were definetly in there 30's, if not older.  At the same time a group walks in complaining about how some cop tried to stop one of them. And their not talking, they're SCREAMING! about this.  Apparently the cop saw the guy in a red jacket and stopped him. One of the girls just kept yelling "I got his number. Oh yea, I got his number." Well congratulations to you, now STFU, I'm trying to read (grievance 5). I don't care whats going on in your life, and I doubt the other subway riders want to hear it either. So please stop telling us. Well the lady next to me apparently felt the same way, and starts going off loudly about how the Devil was working overtime this morning in her Jamaican accent. At this point I've re-read the same paragraph about 4 times.  The group keeps talking/screaming and now the woman next to me starts to sing gospel music! Yes, I think Jesus is also awesome and faithful. Hey I love the guy, big ups to Jesus! But I don't need to hear this whining from your mouth at 9:30 in the morning. This isn't church, I don't see any priests or choirs or bibles, so please be quiet. How fustrating!!!! She just kept going on and on and the worst is that she couldn't sing! She sounded like a cat trying to run away from a meat grinder that it's tail got stuck in.

I couldn't take it anymore and just shut the Kindle off and threw it in my bag. I reach for my IPod and of course I left it at home. This Monday has sucked!! Not a great way to start off the week, so I'm really hoping that Tuesday looks up. Which it should because my celebrity crush comes back on the air with Tosh.O on Comedy Central at 10pm. Wooohooo. See I always find the silver lining.

The Open-Minded Critic

Last night I went to see one of the most incredible films that I've seen in a really long time, Black Swan.  This movie was absolutely amazing and had a feel of "Film Noir". The acting was superb. The cinematography exceptional and dark. The directing, I thought was amazing.  You just felt how deep into the roles these actors got, and without good directing, an actor can really just flop around like a fish about to die grasping for air. I say if you like films (not movies but FILMS) that have depth to them and show character transformations, then this is differently a must!

Now let me explain why I'm such a "critic", if you will, in regards to what I feel are "Films" & "Movies". In college (Yes, this BX girl went to college, surprise surprise closed minded individuals) I studied Communications, with a concentration in Film & Broadcasting. The film classes I took made me truly fall in love with the craft of filming and acting. I studied directors like Woody Allen, Martin Scorsese, and so many others, that at first I thought "BORING". I thought I knew all there was to these directors, and didn't really care for them.  But my professors showed me films from when these directors first started. For instance Martin Scorsese directed a short film (I believe his first in 1968) called "The Big Shave". This was no where near you're average Scorsese film. In short, a man is shaving and starts cutting himself; basically slashing his skin off with every shave. Now learning about Scorsese and what his upbringing was like, you found out that he grew up in a Catholic household and was extremely religious. So of course all us film students had a field day coming up with answers as to what this films' meaning was. And as the semester went on we saw films & movies of different calibers that made me appreciate both for what they were.

I was subjected to the good, the bad & the ugly that Hollywood has offered over the years.  They exposed us to EVERYTHING....Yes, one teacher we had even showed us a porno just to expose us to the different ways films/movies are directed....So we watched movies like the original Hairspray (John Waters) and then we watched films like Les Amants Criminels (a french film).  On one side you have your comedy that has a fun yet weird tone to it; some would say "campy" feel. On the other side you have a dark, psychological (total mind fu*k), criminal film.  Both great in there own way, but you wouldn't put them on the same scale, and not because one is a comedy and the other is a drama, but because everything about them is different. From the way it was filmed, the journey the characters take, from how the films are directed and how they're positioned to their audience.  So as an example (again in my opinion) You'd call "Hairspray" a movie and you'd call "Les Amants Criminels" a film.  Other films Gone With The Wind, Brokeback Mountain, Precious, Paper Heart, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, etc. They just completely take a different direction than your average movie.  They reach into the characters mind and the audiences mind to just make you go "Huh? OK, that's strange, but interesting".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a snob with films & movies. And I love movies. I'm the first one standing in line to watch Legally Blond, Dinner For Schmucks or anything with Denzel Washington (Yes, I even sat through Book of Eli). And to be honest, ANYONE can make a movie. I could record myself singing Karaoke one night, and guess what I just made a movie. However what really annoys me, is when people hear about a film like Black Swan, don't understand it, and dismiss it.  A friend of mine mentioned to a few people she wanted to see it, and they looked at her as if she had three heads. Why? Because who would want to watch something that looks like that; "weird". I'm sorry but not all movies/films have to be about guns, scantily clad women and drug drama. 1. We have music videos for that. 2. I have my window to look out of, for that. I'm fortunate enough to have gotten to take classes that opened my mind to watch films, because I'm not subjected to just watch the same ol crap we get every year. You know the movie of the Cop that was once corrupt and now tries to stay on the straight and narrow. Until one day someone with a secret comes and tries to get him to turn or he'll kill the women he loves blah blah blah. Give me a break. It's all been done.
 
My point in all this rambling that I've done, is that in order to grow and become open minded we need to try different things. You can't criticize things that you don't know, unless you've tried both out. The difference between (what I think) are Movies & Films, is just an example of how I have opened my mind to new ideas and have not just keep myself closed off. The same thing goes for clothes, traveling, food, etc. I remember going on a date with a guy years ago who was Cuban, and took me to a Cuban restaurant. During the dinner all he kept talking about was being Cuban and that he only vacationed on Spanish Islands and all he ate was Spanish food and when I ordered in English he was appalled that I didn't speak Spanish; which I do, I just didn't order that way. There is nothing wrong with loving your culture. I love being a Puerto Rican woman. But with a world that has so many unique ideas and different cultures to offer us, we would do ourselves a grave injustice by ignoring the beauty that is learning something new.

So to all my blog followers, take a day to try something new. If you only eat one type of food, go and grab something different. If you only ever vacation to your homeland, try going somewhere else. If you only read Romance novels, try a Thriller. If you only see movie like White Chicks & The Tourist, try Black Swan or even True Grit (that's my next one). Just try something new and be OPEN-MINDED before being a CRITIC. ;)

Happy Blogging All.

Resolutions are NOT Solutions

I was going to blog about another "relationship issue", but I had to touch on this subject. So many people are talking about it, and it's driving me insane!... If there is one thing I hate (OK I hate a lot of things, but just follow me on this) is when the New Year comes around and people go crazy on what there "Resolutions" will be.  If we've learned anything from this phenomenon its that those perfect little resolutions we conjure up for ourselves, always get broken. "Starting this year, I will not eat sweets." or "I'm finally going to quit smoking." Then by the time January 6th rolls around, your face is covered in Grandma's surprise birthday cake, while fighting a kid for a Twizzler and your friend is licking ashtrays for that bitter sweet taste of nicotine because they threw out all their cigarettes and the old butts. Then you both crash and try to remember that thing you once had called, "self control" and where the hell it went.  So yes ladies & gentleman I think resolutions are LAME! And I think you're even more LAME! for depending on the "New Year" to be a "New You". I would assume that the old you is just fine; as long as you're not snorting cocaine, beating your spouse or children, or listening to a Willow Smith song (If you haven't noticed I'm not a Smith-Pinkett family fan.)  Now before I get that person telling me things like, "Oh, you're against change for the better or against people wanting to improve themselves" or something stupid like that, let me say I am all for change. Go ahead do it! But it is the word "resolution" and meaning and power so many people give it that bothers me.

According to this Time.com article Top 10 Commonly Broken Resolutions, these are the top 10 resolutions that people make & break (note that I did not actually read the article. I just looked for the resolutions. Any similarities to what they wrote & what I write here, are completely coincidental and prove even further that I should probably be a professional writer):

1. Lose Weight & Get Fit

 - You've seen these lameos at the gym taking up your machines, chit chatting by the water, eating the free pizza & bagels (Planet Fitness) the first two weeks of the year. Then they drift off like a puff of smoke in the air and its as if they never even existed. Sure some stay strong for about 2 months, but they too fall off the "fitness" train and hop right back on on the "fatness" one.

2. Quit Smoking

- I already see you falling off the wagon, so stop. My favorite method now, is this electronic cigarette (as seen on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). So you're gonna stop smoking with something that looks, feels and acts like a cigarette? I know addictions are hard to break but man up! Stop being a punk and just do it already. Besides, like all other resolutions, this is something you should've done a long time ago, unless you're holding on to that beautiful and oh so healthy cough and hacking you've developed over the years.

3. Learn Something New

- Some of my very close friends have tried this one. So I'm here to let you know dear friends that 2011 will not be the year you're gonna learn French, Portuguese or Swahili. If you really wanted to learn you would've done so by now. You're also not going to suddenly decide you're going to be a chef or a painter and make a career out of it. Stop torturing yourselves and your friends. You'll make some godforsaken awful dinner and show some painfully awkward artwork and then realize, it's not for you. Now, I'm not knocking those that actually do learn and pick up a skill they'll use maybe 3 times in there lifetime.  I tip my imaginary hat to you, congrats. But I think learning new things should always be on the top of your list of things to do.

4. Eat Healthier & Diet

-Not sure why this is seperate from #1. I think we can already assume this one will crash and burn just as hard, but I'll rock with it. Now why do people suddenly want to incorporate shit they've never ever eaten before into their diets? "I'm gonna make a tofu chicken with a light yogurt sauce and eat a radish & fennel salad and throw in some jicama for fun". STOP IT! You'll last 30 mins before you raid the fridge like a raccoon and eat that left over pernil & arroz con gandules you still have from New Years. If you're even attempting to be healthy & eat right, try a grilled chicken breast with a lettuce and tomato salad first. Also (and i got this from an earlier conversation) don't be the douchebag that goes out for a friends birthday that happens to land in January during your "health kick" stage and say I can't drink this or I can't eat that. Then go to another friends birthday in February and have 3 slices of cake and 6 cocktails. Not cool.

5. Get out of debt & Save Money

- Lets be honest here. You've probably spent a shit load of money on ridiculous gifts for the loving people in your life, who probably didn't deserve or appreciate it and who probably gave you a giftcard to some place you won't even go. Now you're back to where you were last year at the same time.  I'm assuming that with Christmas just passing, this resolution has already broken for many of you. If you want to make a resolution, resolve that you'll be in debt again in 2012. That's probably the only one that won't fail.

6. Spend time with Family

-PASS. Who says this bullshit? I don't want to spend time with them now, why would I resolve to start in 2011. SMH...I kid, I kid. Seriously it takes the new year for you to say, "Hmm I haven't seen grandma in six years, I should really give her a call". Puhlease! I'm sorry to go there, but these are the same people who go to a funeral and cry because they never kept the resolution to do this. Go kick rocks!

7. Travel to new places

- Hey asshole! Didn't we discuss this. YOU. ARE. IN. DEBT. Lets take care of that first then we'll concentrate on going off to Turks & Cacios to dive for conch shells & sip on cocktails. Get your head outta the sky.

8. Be Less Stressed

- Unless you're living in a Utopian world full for gumdrops, rainbows & gummi bears, this shit ain't gonna happen. It's great that you set such high goals for yourself, but umm yea about that. Stress is apart of life. You can't control the things that will happen to you now or later. You are who you are and chances are unless you're on some great meds (that you'd like to share with me) if you're a person that stresses, you're gonna be stressed.

9. Volunteer

- Jesus Christ! Volunteer? I mean it's honorable, but does this mean you suddenly decide in the new year you want to be a "good" person. Stop your lies. This is the type of thing you've been going on and on about doing and how people should get involved. How about you start by giving up your seat on the train to an elderly person or a pregnant woman or opening up the door for a stranger rather than shoulder checking them when you walk by. Then you can talk about volunteering.

10. Drink Less

- Who? Why? Huh? I'm not even sure I understand this correctly. You want to drink less? Am I reading this correctly? Exactly how much are you drinking to begin with? Unless you have no kidneys or you're an alcoholic (which means resolutions is the least of your worries. Get to AA stat buddy) why would this be on here? This is just crazy talk and I won't even bring myself to discuss such a disgusting topic. Make a resolution to drink more. That'll work out 10x better for you.

All joking aside, in my opinion (which of course you want it, because then why else would you be reading this) I don't think anyone should make resolutions just because it's a new year and you want to supposedly start fresh.  My point is that so many of us already go through making lifestyle changes and creating new hobbies for ourselves throughout the year. I know I do. I can't tell you how many times I've started a new gym cycle during the year or told myself I'm not gonna shop anymore, and that's like in the middle of May.  So why do so many people make the first Monday of the New Year more special than it is?  What is the difference between making a change on September 8th or making a change on January 1st? Just because you're starting at "1" doesn't mean all the issues and excuses you had keeping these resolutions from happening previously are going to magically go away. 

If it makes you happy and confident to do something different and make a change in your life, great! A goal to achieve something is wonderful and I support you all 100%!!!!! But please stop calling them RESOLUTIONS as if as soon as you say that word, a genie comes out of your ass to give you a million dollars, zaps away your belly fat, takes you on vacation to some remote island and presents you with that man or women you've been searching for all these years. We put enough pressure on ourselves with meaningless garbage everyday. Why oh why would we set ourselves up like this? I said it before, and I'll say it again, resolutions were meant to be broken!

Happy Blogging All.

Photo Credit 1 (two wolves): AnimalCentral.net 

Photo Credit 2 (Calvin & Hobbes): HoustonPress.com  

Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I ordered the man with NO kids...

*Disclaimer, if you're a parent (single or not), or if you're currently in a relationship with someone who has children and you LOVE it, and/or are easily offended, please do not read on. If you do read on and get offended, do not comment to me about it because I will just laugh and go about my day.*

Ladies, we're living in a world where the older you get in the dating scene, the bigger the possibility is going to be that you find someone with children.  I remember a few years ago I went on a date with someone and during our conversation he mentioned how his life was all about his children. Now I'm not a complete bitch (all the time), so I did find that sweet and kind of cute. HOWEVER because I am me, I thought: 1. Children? Did he just use that word in plural?... Ummm, Check please. 2. So this means I'll get less presents during Christmas?...Get off my back, I was the only child for 16 1/2 years and I'm still spoiled... So we continued with our conversation and he told me how he had 3 kids (he was only 24), what their ages were and tons of other "children" facts. He also mentioned that he and his ex were CONSTANTLY fighting. He didn't even have to tell me that; I could've figured it out by myself with her calling and yelling at him. Needless to say that that was our one and only date... Now if you know me (and if you don't, you really should get on that. I'm quite fabulous), you know that children & I don't mix. The closest I've come to having children is having two God-daughters; my sister & my cousins daughter "Burrito" who's 2. Now I obviously LOVE them both dearly. But I even told my cousin that I only take responsibility of children when they're about 5 and above. Because at that age they know well enough, and if they act up you can beat them :)

Anyway, the other night I was out with two of my girlfriends and we were talking about how difficult it is to find a really good man. What's worse is when you do find one and then you find out he has a child or multiple children from a previous relationship(s). And with children often comes that oh so wonderful "Baby Mama Drama". I'm sure no woman wants to sit through a date where the ex is calling on and off complaining about something he does or doesn't do (been there!). Nor do we really want to sit there with fake smiles as you make us look at photos of your child on your phone, or listen to the fact that baby #1 took of it's diaper and smeared poop all over the crib and you found it hysterical. I do not. Luckily I don't have to deal with this situation at the present time. *Needless to say I'm holding on to my man like a heroin addict to their syringe.* However, I think about the possibility of this occurring all the time. Being single is not fun. Its not a sport or a hobby I want to dabble in. But relationships with "baggage"??? (Yes, I'm calling children baggage) No, I'm good. I'd rather be single. I mean hell I'm not even sure I want my own kids; what the hell am I gonna do with yours. Because it's a pretty well known fact that the deeper into a relationship you get you become "Step Mom", and then that's a whole new ball game. I remember a friend who was dating someone who had children and would invite me over, then cancel because HIS kids were coming over. WTF?

There is also that point in the relationship where the parent needs to decide if they're going to introduce the child to you, the new girlfriend and that's a huge step. ESPECIALLY if they're little children.  And if they're teenagers, you can forget it. They most likely hate you before they even know you exist. "You're not my mother, BITCH!" (been there too, but that was me being the teenager hahaha). Another point to "point out", if you will, is what happens if you get attached to these little demon spawns and things don't work out. This obviously would take a toll on you. And what about the child? Think of that, especially if he/she has gotten attached and loves you. We all know when kids like a toy and you try to get rid of it, its very hard for them to let it go; imagine how hard it would be to let go a real live person. I don't think, for example, I could bare telling my God-daugther "Burrito" that I can't see her anymore for whatever reason. It would break my heart. (Yes, I have a heart peanut gallery) So imagine saying that to your now ex's child. It would hurt a great deal I would think.

Now please, don't get me wrong. I know its difficult for women with kids (and yes, men too) to find someone that can accept their children. My mom was a single mom and I would've felt horrible and been extremely upset if someone didn't want to date her just because of me. I know I'm a brat, but damn.  I also know there are plenty of women out there that wouldn't be at all bothered by a man having children and don't see it as an issue. And to those ladies I salute you! However I am not necessarily one of those women. Does that make me an ass-hole? Maybe to you, but at least I'm being honest. I know tons of woman who have told me horror stories and all I want to do is bless those poor dears with holy water, say a Hail Mary for them and slap 'em so they snap out of it.

When you think about it at my age, you have to deal with so many things in a relationship already. 1. A partner who's been traumatized but the woman before you. 2. A partner that may have already been married and is divorced. 3. A partner who doesn't want to grow up. 4. A partner who is MIA in the brain! (all topics for other blogs) etc. But then you throw kids into the mix? "I'm sorry this man is defective. I'd like to exchange him for a nice handbag & a sandwich." Listen, the Dating world really is a battle field. Some will survive and some will perish. You really have to have a thick skin; it's combat! So the moral of this story you ask? Stay single and get yourself a pet!...........Also, for the gentlemen out there that may be reading this, I'm not saying you all don't experience the same kind of nonsense or have similar feelings. But this is from a woman's point of view. You want a voice? Get your own blog :)

Happy Blogging All