Monday Grievances

Photo Credit: Picturesof.net

It's Monday folks and I'm still jobless.  Nothing to be upset about though, because I'm searching and sending out resumes everyday and taking my time.  It's only been two weeks and its hysterical because every time I mention it, I say it as a joke.  However I guess some people don't get my humor and they act like I'm trying to bring down the party.  Umm, I'm not, relax.  I'm glad you have a job and I'm glad that I'm not at mine anymore.   As I've said time and time again, it was time for me to move on.  So grievance one for today is people not taking a joke.  If you don't get me, that's your issue, not mine.  I'm "perfect" in my own way :).  And should you not agree with me, everyone' entitled to their opinion.  But in mine, you're stupid. Hehehe.

Grievance 2 for today is the Oscars.  Or as the fancy people call them, the Academy Awards...I won't go into it, but Jennifer Hudson though I'm so happy for you and your new found weight loss, umm those boobs in that orange dress.  Aye. Dios. Mio.  What were you thinking.  As my boyfriend screamed out at the screen, "Whoa! She's got deflated ti**es", I just gasped.  Who's her stylist? Fire them ASAP. Moving on.... I thought that James Franco and Anne Hathaway did a great job, considering the show always seems to suck the life out of everyone in the room and at home watching.  They were as funny as they could be in order not to offend people.  Because when people are really funny, like Ricky Gervais, the audience can't seem to handle it.  And so then the hosts are blame if they push it or don't bush it. I hate that the hosts get blamed?  It's not their fault, it's the show and all the lackluster awards they give out.  Not that the other awards and people aren't important.  However lets be real, people only care about Best Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Actress, Best Picture, Best Animation (and I'm still pissed about Despicable Me's snub. That was a great movie) & Director.  That's it! My boyfriend knocked out after the second award and left me there trying to figure out why they're are so many sound and technical awards given on this night.  Isn't that why they have the other awards ceremony at the beginning of the month?  The one that Marisa Tomei hosted?  Another thing that pisses me off about this and all award shows is that because of "time constraints" people are rushed off the stage after 45 seconds and sometimes don't get to thank everyone that they love and have supported them.  It irks the hell out of me 'cause all I think is, who's to say they'll ever get an opportunity like this again.  Everyone that gets to experience that moment, should be able to experience that moment in it's entirety.  I mean if sports games can go into overtime and cut into the news, why can't some dude who wins for foreign film that barely speaks English thank his grandmothers cat's cousin?  It's ridiculous.  But the most annoying and upsetting moment of last nights Oscars was that once again Corey Haim was completely left out of the "In Memorandum" segment of the show.  If I recall Micheal Jackson was included in last years Golden Globes and Oscar's Memorandum and he did what, one movie.  I find it completely disrespectful to his memory.  Yes he was out of the limelight for a while and had some issues, but he was still an actor and was trying to make a comeback.  They did the same thing to Brad Renfro a few years back.  Excuse me, but if you're going to add in Hollywood agents and managers, then I'm confused as to why actors like them don't get any recognition.  Considering Hollywood chews these people up and then spits them out with no regard, the least they could do is give them some respect in their deaths. It's called compassion. Learn some!

And lastly Grievance 3 for today is "THE GYM".  Ugh, now I hate going to the gym, mainly because I'm lazy.  But what I hate more than that, is when I am excited to go and I get there and all the machine's I want are taken.  But worse than that it's taken by people who aren't even using them.  I went to the gym Saturday morning at 8:30.  Here I am thinking no one will really be there because they're probably hung over from Friday night.  But no, there are TONS of people here.  So I wanted to use the step machine, but they were all full and two of them were out of order.  So I look and one girl is "using" it, but she is going so slow and seems to really just be watching the movie on TBS.  She was definitely not focused and not using the machine correctly, if at all.  Another girl is just plainly talking on the phone and just standing on the machine.  I was so enraged.  So I ran on the treadmill and was staring at all of the people on the machine I really wanted as if I was some stalker.  As soon as I saw someone get off, I really ran!  Then I went to use the AB machines.  Now thankfully I went after my friend who politely cleaned up after himself.  HOWEVER when I get to this machine and others, at times there is still sweat from the last person.  How disgusting can you possibly be?  I mean would you want to work out on top of someone else's dirty juices? No, so what in the world makes you think I want to work out on yours?  Stop being a dirty hamster, look for one of the 40 bottles of disinfecting spray they have here and a napkin and clean up after yourself you filthy person!

Ahhhhhh!  I love getting all that off my chest at the beginning of the week.  Well now I'm off to take this new drug I heard about called "Charlie Sheen" and go about the rest of my day.  I hear the drug is KAAARAY-ZEEEE. 

Happy Blogging All!

Wordless Wednesday

The Cable Man is here!!!!

As happy as I was to see him, I couldn't help but fear for his life.  Yes, I took photos of him.  I wanted him to have evidence in case he hurt himself...And I needed photos for "Wordless Wednesday".  Ever since they put these trees out in front of our houses, they've been nothing but a nuisance.  The poor man almost fell about 4 times trying to balance the ladder on the wires, which were tangled in the branches.  But regardless he risked his life all so I don't have to risk missing out on my shows!  Thanks Cable Man!

Toe-To-Toe Tuesday: Ladies can do it all... Yes, even Poop & Toot too!

Boyfriend:  (Tickling girlfriend and laughing).
Girlfriend:  OK, OK, stop.  Seriously, I'm not feeling well. (Laughing)
Boyfriend:  (Continues to tickle girlfriend, and now pressing harder on her stomach)
Girlfriend:  (Laughing uncontrollably) No, really stop.  I don't... (lets out a sound from the nether back region.)
Boyfriend: (Look of utter disgust) Umm, I have to go.

And why this reaction?  Because boys/men have this idea that,

Or fart, or burp, or do anything that men do, that would fall under the category of "gross".  Well I'm sorry to burst your bubble gentleman, but yes, we do.  And with all the commercials that we see day in and day out for females (which will be apart of a Monday Grievance post), this really shouldn't come as a surprise to all of you.  The way most men react to women and their bodily functions, you would think we're doing a spoof of "Two Girls, One Cup".  We're human, believe it or not, and unfortunately we have to act like it on several occasions.  So why is it that men continue to have this image that women are perfect, and because of that perfection, we aren't allowed to do those "gross" things?  Are they just stupid? Or do we also aid in this ridiculous notion that "girls don't poop/fart."?

Regrettably, there are things that some women go through to try and keep that "perfect image" alive.  I remember dating someone who found the thought of a women even burping repulsive.  There were times where I would stay over his house, and from fear of "disgusting" him, I'd take precautions to make sure I didn't even have gas when I was there.  Let's just say I believe I single-handedly kept Imodium in business for a good 5 months!  Then the following week I'd have the worst stomach pains, because now I couldn't go to the bathroom at all!  There were also times, where like anyone in the world (and if you say not you, you're a liar) I'd pass gas in my sleep.  Do you know that as soon as I would wake up, he would let me know.  He'd act like my ass was playing the trumpet version of the Star Spangled Banner.  The look on his face, as if I did it on purpose and as if he was expecting an apology.  I would just look at him in shock and speechless.  What exactly would he have liked me to do?  Sleep walk into another room and come back?  I can't be held responsibly for noises that come out while I'm sleeping... Don't ask me why I dated this guy for so long. LOL... And I've heard worse stories than that.  I knew a girl that would go out to eat and then thrown up, just so she wouldn't have the urge to use the bathroom when she was with the guy.  I've also heard of women making up stories where they have to leave the dinner or event earlier so they can use the bathroom.  They also pretend to be making a long phone call to their mothers or friends from the bathroom.  Or pretend that shower has to take an extra 10 minutes because, hey, we're just that clean.   But for what?!  Why are we hiding and pretending to be these amazing beings that have no flaws?  It's a nice concept, but come on! These same guys would fart in your face and laugh about it and look for you to laugh to, as if it's some kind of reward for the great work they've done being a guy.  Meanwhile here you are gasping for some clean air before you pass out.   I know, because that same guy I blocked my ass up for, would not only fart around me, but would try to get me to figure out what he might have eaten that made it smell so bad!  Are you insane?  I don't want to know, nor do I care what you ate that is making your insides smell like hot garbage and rat ass on an African Summer day!  All that while a woman can't even notion to a man that she may have to go to the bathroom because instantly he doesn't want to hear it and "you can keep those comments to yourself."  It's a ridiculous double standard!  I remember another guy I had been seeing for a little while, was having stomach issues. Not only did he ask me to go to the store for him to get him some liquid laxative.  But once the chemical kicked into his system, he asked me to bring him cigarettes as he sat on the toilet releasing himself.  

And that's how men are!  It's OK for us to hear about it, see it and even (yuck) smell it, but the moment we let a little air out from somewhere they don't like, they're ready to break up with us.  Its ridiculous.  And no, I'm not saying that women should fart it up like a band or walk around saying "Whew, don't go in there man."  However we shouldn't have to hide it if we need to go.  And when we do, you shouldn't have a brain aneurysm when it happens.  I mean please tell me what you're going to do when you're married to a woman?  Do you expect her to not take a dump in your home, or possibly fart in your presence.  I'm the first to admit that if I need to pass gas, I will go to the bathroom.  But sometimes there isn't enough time to get there.  And when that happens, all hell breaks loose and suddenly the 3 phone calls you got everyday, turn into text messages and then nothing at all.  Because how dare we act *gasp* HUMAN!  You know at least we make an effort to cover it up.  You men could care less to even try and hide it, unless it's the first 2 weeks of a relationship.  After that, it appears that all bets are off.   So ladies screw men.  If he isn't man enough to realize that we need to release ourselves too, then he isn't man enough for you.  So poop, fart, be free to do what you need to do when you need to do it.  There is no need, nor does it make any sense whatsoever, to harm our insides for a man who would gladly stick your head in a dutch oven and then laugh about it with his friends after-wards.

Don't forget to check out Ozymandias post on this very topic, to find out how he and other men feel about us Ladies being "free" with our bodies.

Happy Blogging All!

Photo Credit: Morethananarmywife.com

Toe-To-Toe "Wednesday": Can you date a friend of an EX?

Welcome back to Toe-To-Toe.  As I mentioned yesterday we were switching it up this week, so Wordless Wednesday turned into Wordless Tuesday, and today we're bringing you Toe-To-Toe Wednesday.  Don't forget as always to check out Ozymandias after reading this post to find out his view on our chosen topic of the week.

And we begin...

Photo Credit: Dreamstime.com

There are countless ways to meet that special someone.  You can meet by bumping into him/her on the street, in line at Starbucks, at a nightclub or even on the internet.  You can also meet that special someone through a friend or loved one.  But what happens when you meet that person and they happen to be friends with an EX?  Do you pursue the relationship?  Or do you just ignore your feelings and keep it moving.  For me, I have an answer since I have personally experienced this type of situation twice in my life.  In one situation I was the girl falling for the friend of an ex-boyfriend and in the other situation a friend of mine fell for an ex-boyfriend of mine.

Story 1 (Names have been changed to protect the innocent):

I had dated Ronnie for about 3 years and when we broke up, things didn't end so well.  However eventually after a little bit of time, we were able to finally put our differences aside and be "friends".  On occasion I would hang out with him and his friends and we always had a great time.  One day one of his friends Mike, brought along another friend, Vinny.  We seemed to have a lot in common and I thought he was a really funny and interesting.  Well later Ronnie, went back to school, and I continued to hang out with his friends, because they had eventually become my friends.  One day I saw another friend of the group, Pauly, at the movie theater and he suggested we all go out the following day to just hang.  On the day we hung out, Vinny also came along.  We continued to hit it off, and I continued to hang out with the guys.  After a few weeks I realized that I really liked him; he was like me in male form.  When I started to realize my feelings were growing, I asked him how he felt and he told me he had similar feelings for me.  Now even though Ronnie and I had decided to remain friends, I knew that this might present an issue.  However Vinny comforted me and said that he didn't feel it would be that much of a problem because he was more of the other guys' in the group friend then his.  I took solace in the words Vinny said, and eventually I decided that before I got carried away with Vinny, I would need to tell Ronnie.  Well that obviously did not turn out well.  Granted I told him all this via email (because I was a chicken and wasn't sure of his reaction and also because I needed calling cards to call him and I refused to spend money to possibly be yelled at, ha!), I never expected his reaction to be as nasty as it was.  Did I expect him to send me a singing telegram and flowers saying congratulations? NO! Of course not.  At most I expected him to be somewhat upset, but considering he was moving out as well, I didn't expect what I got.  There was a lot of back and forth and unpleasant things said and eventually our friendship and his friendship with Vinny, died.  This caused issues between the group of friends, and I felt terrible about it.  And though I eventually found out that Vinny and Ronnie were closer friends than Vinny had lead on, I couldn't help that I had fallen for him.  In my mind I felt that I needed to trust my heart and go with what I felt was right.  Of course inside I felt shitty horrible for having hurt Ronnie, but what had been done was done.  After two years, Vinny and I broke up, but to this day we remain friends.  I am also still friends with Ronnie believe it or not.

Story 2 (Names have been changed to protect the innocent):

This story actually involves Vinny as well.  Come to think of it maybe he's the issue here. I kid, I kid...  Vinny and my friend Nicole began connecting and hanging out.  I am not sure how or why that happened, since as far as I knew he only knew her sister Sammi, and hadn't ever met her, but regardless they began seeing each other.  Apparently things began to get serious and Nicole felt she needed to let me know.  While I was at a show in the city with some friends, she happened to call me.  Nicole seemed really worried and nervous while speaking to me, so I knew something was up.  I told her to relax and to tell me what was wrong.  She finally told me that she was calling because she wanted my permission to go out with Vinny.  At first I thought to myself, "Huh?".  Again, when the hell did they start hanging out?  But after a few minutes of taking it all in, I told her it wasn't an issue at all.  I wished them the best and that was the end of it.  Now don't get me wrong, I was once deeply in love with Vinny.  But we had broken up and I had moved on. And I knew he would too.  And it didn't bother me at all that he happened to move on to her.  I was happy for both of them, and til this day I don't regret it nor do I have any issues with it.  Would I ever discuss intimate details about our or their relationship with her?  Not at all; and thankfully I never did before they dated either.  But could I sit there and listen to her or even him for that matter, talk about issues they would have during their relationship?  Yes, I don't see why not.  And would I dare leave her alone with a another boyfriend of mine? Yes, I don't see why I wouldn't.  Again, it didn't and doesn't bother me and I don't see why it should... *Note: Vinny and Nicole are no longer together. Vinny is married and Nicole in another relationship.*

Okay so maybe I've seen one to many episodes of Saved By the Bell or Beverly Hills 90210, where everyone has dated each other and has remained friends.  But to me this was never something I saw as being a big deal.  I believe that the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't always help who you fall for.  I think it really depends on those involved and how you approach the situation.  If you go behind a friend's back and start dating their EX, then yes, you're a bit of an a-hole.  But if you're upfront with them and tell them like it is, I don't see it as an end of the world issue.  And I've heard all the arguments about dating an EX's friend, and how disrespectful it is.  And yes it can be because like everything in the world, there are exceptions.  If this person ruined your friends life with some kind of STD, ruined their credit, or left them stranded in a foreign country, then maybe you want to steer clear of that person.  Or if you know for a fact that that EX was your friends "love of their life" or they were previously engaged, then again it might not be the best idea.  And I've heard people say "Well if they want my sloppy seconds, then so be it."  But if that's an argument, then couldn't we say that everyone is having someone's sloppy seconds out there?  I mean unless you're dating a virgin, you're in the category of, "One man's trash, is another man's treasure."  So again it all depends on those involved, because every case is different.  Some people may be like me, where it doesn't really bother them and isn't an issue.  However some people may be so offended that the friendship ends.  But in my opinion if a friendship ends over that, then maybe there wasn't a friendship to begin with.  And if your response to that is, the person making the choice to "go after" an ex isn't the friend, then I'd say maybe you're right.  But maybe, just maybe, you're wrong.  In matters of the heart, you just never know.

So what did my dear friend Mr.Ozymandias have to say on this topic?  Click now to find out if he agrees or disagrees with my point of view...here's a hint: he doesn't!

Happy Blogging All!

Wordless Tuesday

Toe-To-Toe Tuesday will be back tomorrow.  So instead we're having Wordless Tuesday and we'll replace tomorrows Wednesday blog with Toe-To-Toe.  Make sense? Good...

My desk 2/9/11

My desk as of 2/14/11

And just like that, it's over and I am unemployed.  It's very bittersweet, but I know everything happens for a reason.  Wish me luck on my journey!

Happy Blogging All!

Monday Grievances Special Edition: Valentine's Day

Photo Credit: Blingcheese.com

It's that time of year again, where Hallmark makes millions (maybe even billions) harping on the excitement and love obsession of emotionally unstable women.  Women who are using the day as an excuse to take a "break" from their diets and engorge their bellies with chocolates and heart shaped candies. *BARF*.  Its the day where flowers become a weapon in men's pursuit to get the panties.  It's the day where all out wars are broken out in Godiva stores around the nation.  Yes, my dear friends, it's Valentines Day.  That special day where men in relationships are killing themselves to find the perfect gift, the perfect restaurant and the perfect card to show their lady how special she is.  It's also that special day where women tend to make men feel like garbage because they hate that restaurant, the gift isn't a diamond and the card should've been accompanied by 12 dozen long stemmed red roses and a string quartet.  It's also the day of a lot of break ups.  And of course this fabulous day wouldn't leave out the singles!  No, of course not, see because for them its the day that hearts and the color red will haunt their daydreams, there dinners, which are normally fine, but today will feel like the loneliest one they've ever had and the day where their mom's will call them to say "I'll always be your Valentine Dear."  However on a plus side, it will clear up room at the gym to finally get that private work out in. 

I mean is it just me, or does Valentine's Day just seem to shit crap all over those not in relationships and make them feel like their some kind of Leper because on this day of all days their "ALONE".  And yes, this is all coming from someone who is currently in a relationship.   But for those who aren't, Heaven forbid you should say you're, *gasp* happy to be alone and couldn't care less.  Because of course you're just saying that and that's when your friends give you that look of sorrow and pity and say "Oh, Honey."  Umm, OK, I'm alone on a made up commercialized Holiday.  I didn't just find a lump on one of my body parts or have to put my dog down.  Relax, I'll be fine.   Why is it single people have to justify or explain how they don't care that it's Valentine's Day and they're going to stay home.  I remember when I was single, how horrible people would make me feel because I didn't have someone.  I did have someone, and that's why I'm alone now.  And lord if I had to see another Myspace or Facebook status update of how someone got engaged, I was going to have to find a bear to naw my eyes out...  Which by the way, and I'm sorry if this includes you, I think proposing on Valentine's Day (or any holiday or birthday for that matter) is the corniest thing ever.  Be original!...  For me Valentine's Day was always a day that my mom brought home some cute toy for me like an Eeyore or Pepe Le Pew stuffy and some Chocolate Covered Strawberries.  In fact my best Valentine's Day was going to Build-A-Bear with my mother and sister and then out to dinner afterwards.  And to us it wasn't about "Valentine's Day" it was just about spending time with each other.  And the teddy bear and chocolate gifts where something that my mom always did for me.  It's the same thing with Mother's & Father's Day.  I treat her like the queen she is everyday.  So why shouldn't those I love and love me treat me like they do everyday....  And don't get smart and say something about Christmas and gifts.  OK, because that's about Baby Jesus' birthday and we only celebrate birthday's once a year. :)...


Anyway where I'm really going with this blog is my worst Valentine's Day.  With the date approaching, my cousin New York Chica had asked a bunch of her friends in the blogging world to share what our greatest and lamest Valentine's Day were.  I shared my best (story above) and my worst, which you can read about if you click on her name in blue above.  But as I began to think about what the worst or lamest Valentine's Day were, I realized that that the "worst" story I gave her, wasn't it.  It was actually another, even better story. 

So here's how it went down...  An ex-boyfriend and I decided that we should try to work things out with each other after having a pretty nasty breakup.   At the time it sounded like a great idea because we had been very close and there was a friendship I stupidly thought was worth saving.   So it seemed that with all his "confusion" and "trying to find himself" that he actually seemed to try harder to make me feel special and happy.  A few days before Valentine's Day I received a bouquet of Flowers with a card reading, "I hope these flowers are as beautiful as you are.  You're the only woman that deserves these."  I thought to myself, "Wow that is so sweet."  And he knew that I wasn't a Valentine's Day fanatic, so I thought it was a beautiful gesture that he was trying to catch me off guard.  After I thanked him and we talked a little, I didn't hear from him for about a week because he said he needed to be alone to sort things out.  I thought fine and that Valentine's Day I spent it with My mom, sister and a friend and had a great time.  So now you ask, "La Latina Loquita, what's so horrible about this Valentine's day?  Sounds like a good day to us."  Yea, I thought that too.  Until some time later when I was with the piece of shit douchebag ex-boyfriend and we were talking about our relationship, or lack there of.   Since we were going to go out, he went to take a shower and I sat in his room waiting so we could finish the conversation and leave.  Now, I am not by any means a snoop, but something about this whole thing just didn't seem right.  So I started to remember why and how we had broken up originally, how he was acting on that day and his attitude.  And then I realized, "Yea, I need to go through his phone."  Not my proudest moment, but if I hadn't, I don't think I'd be where I am today (which is in an amazing place.)  So I went through his phone and lo and behold text messages to an ex-girlfriend that was not me.  As I read through some of the texts there it was, her thanking him for flowers that he had sent her for her birthday.  He texted her back with these words... "I hope these flowers are as beautiful as you are.  You're the only woman that deserves these."  My mouth dropped!  Basically the same thing he had written to me, he had written to her.  After throwing a few things around, collecting things I'd purchased for him and packing them away and then scaring the shit out of him while he was in the shower, I confronted him about the situation.  I asked him to explain himself and of course he gave me the confused "I'm not sure look".  I then plainly asked him if he had also sent her flowers on Valentine's Day and he couldn't even look me in the eye.  He finally told me he had, but it was because he felt bad because he knew no one was going to send her anything.  I have never wanted to find a sharp object quick enough to stab someone in the eye.  But I didn't.  And I didn't even take the gifts I had purchased for him throughout our relationship back.  I told him to take me home and that we were done.  That's when I once again realized Valentine's Day blows, and now I'm not too fond of birthdays either.

So Valentine's Day, my dear friends, can suck it and suck it hard!  Hallmark can keep it's cards (even though I get them for my mom and sis lol),  Restaurants can keep their ridiculously long wait times and florist can keep their roses and thorns (I'm more of a Calla Lily & Orchids girl anyway.)   If my boyfriend doesn't get me a card, or flowers or buy me chocolates, I will not have an attack.  Nor will I cry or key his car in revenge.  And knowing my boyfriend, that's a good thing, because if I was expecting all that, his car would be found in a junk yard the next day :).  I'll admit, just for the lovers of this day, that sometimes it is fun just to participate in the hoopla and joke around.  I'll eat the candy, I'll take a free rose and an e-card just for shits and giggles.  But I will not turn into some psychotic female that demands romantic gestures or it's off with his head.  If anything, I want those things everyday; throughout our entire relationship, not just on that day.  And since that ain't gonna happen, Valentine's Day would just be a lie... And it is. HA!

Happy Val... Blogging All!

P.S. I do love Hallmark.  Their Christmas Ornaments and their Hoops & Yoyo collection are THE BOMB!!! :)

***Disclaimer: All opinions existing in the above commentary are solely those of its creator.  This blog does not serve to criticize, endorse or represent any product, and merely describes an opinion and should be taken solely as such.***

Dear Cupid...

Dear Cupid,

Listen up you little fat toddler looking bastard.  I have had about enough of you.  It never fails that on every Valentine's Day, you turn otherwise normal and intelligent people into foolish, gibberish speaking, idiotic, love sick and/or depressed lunatics and I am sick of it.  I personally have been hit far to many times by your poisonous arrows and have been left with nothing more than mascara smudged eyes, a broken heart and bad credit.  Would it kill you to aim at someone that has a Mansion, tons of cash and wants to spend all their time with me?   I guess it would, because then how would you get your jollies.  I know you sit there on your little cloud just laughing away and eating tubs of ice cream and fried chicken or whatever you Cherub type(s) assholes eat.   You think you're so clever because if these "accidents" keep happening, you're sure to have a job the following year because you'll have to "fix" it.  Well let me tell you I'm done!  I'm through.  We're finished!  It would give me nothing but pure pleasure if you would take your little bow and arrows and shove them up somewhere so far that you won't be able to function for weeks...maybe even months.  Do you understand me?  Are you paying attention to what I'm saying here, you miniature monster?!  I hope you pray at night that I never find you, because when I do, I'm gonna choke you with your harp strings, ram your face in your own dirty diaper and rip your wings off feather by feather.  And while we're on the subject of attire, answer me this:  Why the hell are you flying around in diapers?  Are you really a baby?  If you are, I have a huge problem with you traveling around with weapons.  They're dangerous and so are you, and I'm not comfortable with that combination.  Secondly, if you're not a baby and are indeed some Verne Troyer look-a-like, put some clothes on.  Have you no decency?  It is in no way "cute" or "adorable" for a fat man to be flying around with no clothes on.  Have some self respect and put on a Tuxedo.  I think they look adorable on babies and/or little people.  But that's not the point!

Where did you even come from?  Did the Easter Bunny put you up to this because we keep stealing his eggs?  Well tell him to get over it.  If he weren't such a lazy jackass, he'd be quicker in picking up his stuff than we are.   But whatever it is that brought you here doesn't even matter.   All I know is that I would like you to vanish; just be gone.  Take your harp, wings and pathetic and fake notions of "love" and walk in front of moving traffic. Drink and Fly. Eat & take a dip in the pool.  Just go away.  Because you tend to think you're so cute and charming, and you're not.  You keep fooling people with all these romanticized ideas that are complete nonsense, and then we're left with the filthy blown up remains of your crafty work which leaves a stench of fear, loathing and tears in the air.  People see you and become, dare I say it, "happy" and "joyful"; but most importantly dense and forgetful!  They throw caution to the wind and ignore the fact that you mind raped them the previous year and go through the horrid process all over again.  Then 3 months from now, when they're left without love, out in the cold and eating cheesecake frosting straight from the container, they finally remember why they hate you.  You sick twisted fuck individual, are you proud of yourself?  I bet you are.  Well it's not working with me sir. No, not this year.  This year I'm out for blood, and it's either you or me chubbster.  And your chances my butterball looking friend don't look so hot this year, because I'm coming at you like a piranha in 3D!  

So Cupid, this coming Valentine's Day you stay as far away as humanly possible from me, my friends and my family.  If you come within two inches of us, I'm bringing a world of pain your way.  Understood???....  But leave the Chocolates by the door because I like sweets and well I'm greedy.

Sincerely,
La Latina Loquita

Photo Credit: Zwani.com