Monday Grievances: THE GYM!

So if you follow this blog and my twitter on a regular basis, you'll know that I've been trying to hit the gym hard these past few weeks.  I'm starting to really get into it, which is shocking because after being on a machine for more than 5 minutes, I'm usually ready to throw in the towel.  Hey, when you run like a murderer is chasing you and it leaves you feeling like your lungs are going to come out of your ass, only to discover you've burned 8 calories, it takes a toll on you.  But regardless I've buckled down and gotten my $h!t together.  However besides feeling completely winded and exhausted, there are things that make me want to give up on the gym and either work out solely on my Wii at home or become a spokeswoman for Fatties of America. That cause is the annoying and idiotic gym patrons I have to deal with on a daily basis.  So this is my "Open Letter" to all of the Douchebags and so called "Beauty Queens" that attend my gym and gyms around the world.

To Whom It May Concern:

Listen up and listen good, because I am sick and tired of you ruining my gym experience.  I go to the gym to use machines I obviously don't have access to in my home.  So when I finally get there and am ready to get my work out on, I would appreciate if you would refrain from doing the following:

To The Douchebags (Men)

- If I'm on the hip abduction or any other inner/outer thigh machines working out these chuletas I call legs, it would be amazing if you didn't stare directly into my crotch when I'm performing the moves.  Did you lose something there?  No, I didn't think so.  I can't imagine that you're that hard up that you need to focus your view into my vagina, which is hiding behind some thick sweat pants.  Stop being a pervert and worry about your fat behind.

- Yes, I have boobs.  Yes, all women have boobs.  Yay! They’re great. And yes, when we run or make certain types of moment, they bounce and jiggle.  So now that we know that, please refrain from acting like a little boy in the 8th grade who's never seen breasts before and stop staring at my chest.  I don't care what study the German's have done (Oggling Breasts Can Be Healthy?), it's creepy, disgusting and makes me (and I'm sure most women) EXTREMELY uncomfortable.  For the love of God grow up.  If not, don't get upset and catch an attitude when I report you to the staff and they ask you to leave.

- I think it's great that you know what you're doing and that you're apparently gearing up for some Muscle Men of the Bronx show.  However if I'm on a mat next to you, that doesn't give you the right to critique my crunches or ask your buddies if they see what I'm doing wrong.  Do not come up to me offering me “tips”.  If I wanted a trainer, I would get one.  If I wanted you to be my trainer I would ask.  And just because I have my IPod on, doesn't mean that it's full blast. I can hear you and your idiotic comments. I don’t care for your opinion, so mind your business and worry about the veins that are popping out of your forehead when you bend over.

- I'm not sure where you got the idea that you're some sexy god that everyone must stare at your nipples or your jiggling balls while you work out.  So do me the favor and stop wearing stretched out wife beaters where your nipples are barely covered by the shirt and wear some supportive pants.  And just so you know basketball shorts alone are NOT supportive. This especially applies to all men at all gyms, but especially those going to Planet Fatness (Fitness), which is where I work out.  It's a no "Lunk" zone; which means muscle men should be somewhere else far away from there.

- Stay off the step machine and the “butt lift” (‘cause I don’t know the appropriate word) machine.  That's for girls.  You don't need a tighter butt. GET OFF!

To The So Called "Beauty Queens" (Women)

- I would love to know when the memo was sent (and who sent it) that stated we were competing in a Beauty Pageant rather than working out a sweat.  I can't begin to understand why it is that you come in wearing lipstick, blush and eyeliner when you're supposed to be working out?  If you're serious about losing weight or toning and plan on breaking a sweat, all that pretty makeup is going to come off and you're going to look worse than if you weren't wearing any at all.  So stop staring at yourself in the mirror, put your hair in a ponytail and get your chubby ass in gear.  If not, I'm sure you can find somewhere else to socialize and primp yourself.

- Another note to the above ladies, do not come into the gym with your hair freshly done. It’s clear that looking for a man is a bigger priority to you than dropping the lbs.  I am infuriated by ladies who come in with the long curls, get on a treadmill and walk at 1.0 speed.  Are. You. Serious?

- Please leave the jewelry at home, in your locker or in your car.  Door-knocker earrings, 5 rings for each finger, gold chains and other items do not belong on you when you're at the gym.  Yea, I don’t care that you’re engaged and that you’re ring is bigger than my head.  Wonderful for you, but it just doesn't belong at the gym.  Again, this is NOT a beauty pageant or a pawn shop for that matter, so put the metal away.

- Back to the idea of pageants. There is no need to come to the gym wearing anything sexy.  You're here to work out, not pick up a man.  If you are, let me remind you that this is not LQ’s, Don Coqui’s or any other club/lounge you like to frequent. It’s a gym!  Please do not come in wearing tights in which not only can we see your underwear, but we know you have a yeast infection.  You're the same girls who complain that the guy is staring at your ass.  Well hell, even I'm staring at your ass because you’re doing a machine in which your back is turned to us and/or you’re bending over.  Wear the appropriate gym attire, please.

- No thongs!  It's unsanitary and I would assume uncomfortable. Besides that's how you got the infection to begin with.

- Speaking again of appropriate attire, leggings are fine, if you’re wearing a long shirt over it.  Even in everyday life this is a “no no” and you wanna take it to the gym?  It’s gross and you’re making a fool of yourself.  Stop!

This Applies To Both of You Annoyances

- I get that you want to use this ab/arm/leg machine, whatever.  But I'm currently using it.  Sure ask me if I'm almost done, I'm fine with that.  But do not stand there staring at me while I'm trying to finish up my sets.  You burning a hole through my head will not make me go any faster.  And when I'm done doing one side, don't start walking towards me as if I'm going to fly off.  I still have the other side to do.  Do you have some open heart surgery you need to perform in the next 10mins and I'm preventing you from getting there because you just so badly need to do this before you leave? NO! So relax.  If you can't wait to use the machine, then entertain yourself by doing something else, because just because you want to use it now, means absolutely nothing to me.

- I've already addressed this in another blog, but I think I need to be a little clearer.  I DO NOT WANT TO WORK OUT ON YOUR DIRTY NASTY SWEAT!  Please, I don't care if you supposedly don't sweat, freaking wipe down where ever your nasty behind was sitting or laying, because no matter how dry you think you are, you're not.  If you walk away and I see a sweat stain in the shape of your ass, there's an issue.  Besides the fact that it's disgusting, it’s unsanitary.  We all check our heart rate on those metal bars, and it would be great if I didn't have to put my hands on your nasty juices.  There are bottles and/or napkins all over the gym. It's free! Use them!

- If I just got off the machine, don't go running to hop on it.  Can I clean it first?  I can't imagine you're in such a rush that you would want to work out on my sweat, especially if it's something where your face will easily touch.  Also don’t give me attitude when you realize there is sweat on it.  If you’re Speedy Gonzalez self would wait, I could get around to wiping it down. Stop being nasty and wait. 

- If you see someone reaching for a bottle of spray (because they're going to clean the machine they've just used) do not be a JERK and rush over to take it before they can.  It's just rude.  Did you not learn your manners in Kindergarten or even from your parents?  What adult person runs over to get something before someone else?  You’re acting like we’re experiencing a famine and that’s the last piece of chicken in the world.  Does it really make you feel good that you got to it first?  Do you want a cookie now?  Enough, grow up.

- If you're there to work out, then leave the cell phone in the car, the locker or home.  If there is one thing that aggravates me more than anything is watching someone talk on their phone and just stand on a machine.  If you're not going to use the machine because your phone call is so important, then get off and allow someone else to use it.  Don't stand there for 15 minutes chit chatting and doing nothing else.  It makes NO sense.

- Hi, this is called a GYM.  It's not social hour at the country club or the projects where you yell across the way to get someone’s attention.  OK, you see someone you haven't seen in a while and stop to say hi, that’s fine, no one cares.  But to lounge around on machines talking like its coffee time and not even making one move to actual use it, is unacceptable.  I have seen so many people just stand on the treadmill chatting or sitting on a machine as if it’s just a chair so that they can chat.  Furthermore yelling across the gym like there's a fire and you need to get that one persons attention before they burn to death, is also rude, annoying and makes me want to punch you right in the ear. Take your conversation to the side, to the bathroom, outside, wherever you want, but don’t disrupt other people.

- We all try and go to the gym with a work out buddy.  Of course, it keeps you motivated and you have someone to talk to while you’re on the elliptical, bike etc.  And if you have the breath to talk while working out, more power to you.  But please, please do not have PERSONAL conversations with your friends so loudly that we all know that John isn’t paying child support but bought a new car or that Tasha is cheating on Robert again.  It’s none of my business I agree, but when you’re talking that loud it becomes my business.  So don’t get all angry when I laugh at something you said, because you were obviously speaking in that tone so that I would have some input.

If any of this applies to you, then you need to reevaluate how badly you “need” the gym.  It's called gym etiquette, so get with the program people.  I will not be angry AND fat on account of you assholes!  And for those of you that are offended by this and say then maybe I should go to another gym, I say screw you.  I should be able to go to any gym, or anywhere for that matter, without being harassed or interrupted.  Should you not agree, as I always say, get your own damn blog! :)

So do you have any issues with the gym you’d like to share?  I'd love to know, so please share. 

Happy Blogging All!

Photo Credit