Thursday, August 18, 2011

They're Dead. Now What?

Being in a relationship, whether its Boyfriend & Girlfriend or Marriage, is a beautiful thing.  The bond between to people who are truly "in love" (sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little at the "love" part) is something many people don't really get a chance to experience in their life time.  I suppose you could say it's a blessing of sorts, to be able to just focus on one person. Share your secrets, dreams and fantasies with them.  To be completely open with someone, knowing they will never judge you, and will always support you.  So with such a special and powerful gift like this, what is one to do when that person who makes there life worth while, is no longer there?  I'm single now, but when I have been in a relationship (long term of course) I've always had this morbid need to ask the person I'm seeing how long they would wait to begin dating if I died the next day.  I'd like to think I'm so fabulous that no one would never be able to compare to me.  Therefore leaving my poor significant other left to life of solitude, until he sees me again in the great beyond.  What? Too much you say.  Okay, so maybe if we're just dating he can move on... I guess.   But what about if we're married?  Can I be demanding about the "move on" situation then?
So how long do you think a spouse should wait before moving on?  Should they move on at all?  And what if there are children involved.  Should this new person be called mommy/daddy 2?  Or should they wait until those children are of an age where they can take care of themselves, to start getting their groove back again?  I know it's selfish to say, "Well if I'm dead, you shouldn't want to be with anyone ever again."  Because lets face it, no one wants to be alone forever, no matter what loner personality they have.  But it hurts to think that after such a beautiful relationship, they could even consider finding someone else to pick up the pieces.  So yes, I'd love to think no one will come after me, but the chances of that being a reality are about none.  So what I would expect as a compromise is for my picture to hang all around on dressers, walls, etc, voice recordings of yours truly to play throughout the house, and for you to wear my ashes around your neck.  I mean, come on, I don't think that's too much to ask... Right?... Alright, I went a little creepy psycho gal there for a moment.  But in all honestly, I'd like for the person to at least remember me and not throw me to the wind when the next best thing comes along. 
I guess depending how long you were together, should help you gage how long you should mourn.  For example, if you were dating for a year, then you should wait 4 years. LOL.  Okay, maybe that's too much, but you know what I mean.  You have to give it enough time to not only show respect to the deceased, but to show respect to that relationship.  Plus, show respect to the next person coming in.  I don't know how comfortable I would be dating someone who tells me there girlfriend/wife just died two months ago.  I'd wonder if they're over it, or if they were ever "on it" to begin with.  Now I have tons of readers who are not only in relationships, but also married, so I'd love to hear your input on this. Come on! Inquiring minds really wanna know! 

Happy Blogging All!!


  1. I don't agree. Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now. There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive. This leads to selfpity, suffering, and tears. Why would i want that for her? Live on babygirl...

  2. I agree with the comment above to an extent. I wouldn't want anyone to stop living because I am not living anymore. I would want them to follow their hearts, as they did, when they were with me. I would want them to be happy with or without me. Now, if I was alive, it would be hard for me to want them to move on but if I'm no longer here why would I care. They're not betraying me.

    As for leaving a spouse behind and children......that's another situation altogether. I would want my spouse to move on and if he remarried I would want him to marry someone who truly cared about my kids as much as they cared about him. I wouldn't care if my kids called their stepmother "mommy" as long as it was how they felt for her and not something being forced on them to say for the sake of daddy making his new wifey happy.

    I don't think you should totally let go of whatever life takes away from you. You should hold onto the good memories but not to a relationship that can no longer be. If your heart leads you elsewhere then be glad that it's still capable of loving. Just be careful. You can't replace what you've lost with someone with another person but you can start something new and just as beautiful. :) Live on indeed.

  3. Ok, you asked the Twitterverse for an opinion, so here is my humble one. I'm in late thirties, single and female, and I don't think I've ever really pondered your question. I've imagined dying young and how my then bf would react, but never wondered if and when he'd start dating again. I guess always assumed that an average person would eventually move on, live their life, & try to find happiness again. I would want that for my loved one. I would never want the one I loved to spend the rest of his life needlessly suffering for my pride. But that that doesn't really answer your questions regarding timing.

    I think you are oversimplifying a very complex situation. There are so many factors that affect the answer; I truly believe it should be on a case by case basis. You can't apply the same rules to everyone. I can tell you I would be wary of dating anyone who lost their significant other 2 months ago. Not because they weren't in love with their deceased, but because they're probably are going through a full range of emotions, and the average person needs more than 2 months to work that all out. They may feel helpless & desperate to fill the void, and thus trying to move on as quickly as they can, since they don't know what else to do to escape the pain. Don't make it personal. Maybe your bf would be that person who was so devastated and scared of facing the future alone, that he jumped into a new relationship. It doesn't mean that he didn't value what he had with you. It's just that everyone grieves differently.

    I hope my comment doesn't sound too critical; I love your blog and this is a great question. I'm just giving you my perspective, nothing more, nothing less. Cheers! Here's to hoping none of us ever have to experience any of this! :)

  4. Opps, I mean perhaps we will...but let it not happen until we have lived long, meaningful, fulfilled lives so maybe we'll be better prepared for it. I meant the last comment in the context of losing someone too early in life.