Friday, December 30, 2011

Jerks, Crying Children & Crackheads, OH MY!

So it's NYE time and every girl in America is running out to get her hair & nails done, dancing shoes, a cute outfit and the right jewelry so she can party the night away in style.  I bought new shoes.  Don't judge me... 

Aren't they cute?!  Damnit, ignore the black socks; it was helping me to stretch them out.  As you know, I rarely ever wear heels, so I need all the help I can get.

I was pretty much set, except I forgot to get my nails done.  I told myself all week to get them done around my job, but it was a hectic work week and when my boss offered to let me work from home Friday, I jumped at the chance.  So after I was done working at home, I decided I'd venture out into my neighborhood and try and find a salon.  Seems like a small task.  I mean there must be salons on every corner, I live in the South Bronx.  But no my dear readers, not simple at all.  See I live near a shopping area that I'd like to refer to as "The Hell Hole of The Bronx."  I swear every ghetto asshole, men and women alike, must come here for a daily "Lets fuck up someone's day" meeting.  Lord, why didn't anyone stop me.

The Salon! Entrance, right near a bus stop that was difficult to find at first, because of a crowd of people that stood in front of the area where the door was.  After saying excuse me about 4 times, they finally heard me over the screaming children and their own loud laughter.  What they were laughing at, I have no idea. Maybe they knew what was in store for me.  I finally walked into the nail salon (suggested by a friend who I will be punching in the boob later) up the stairs and through the door. Needless to say it was packed.  So I stood there waiting for someone to come up to me and ask what I was there for.  That's how most salons do it.  After 5 minutes of being ignored, I walked over to a table that had two sign in sheets on clip boards.  One for "Nails" and the other for "Mani/Pedi's".  If you're from the BX you already know what the "Nail" sign in sheet means, but for those who don't, let me explain.  If you're there to get acrylic nails, that's the one you sign up for.  And of course if you're from the BX, you know that that list is a mile long.  See in my area, playfully known as "The Ghetto", no one really ever gets just a Mani, that's more of a city thing.  Seriously, go to a Ghetto nail salon, like I did, and ask for a Mani. Then go to a Salon in the City and ask for acrylic nails.  They will both look at you like you have 8 heads.  Anyway, I signed up for a Mani/Pedi and I was lucky (so I thought) because I was the only one on that list.  I walk over and stand by a girl, who's talking on her phone. A moment later I hear her say, "Oh no, there is a roach on the wall in this salon. That is disrespectful."  It's at this moment you're saying to yourself, "And then you left right?"  No, sadly I did not.  I just moved away.  I should've run, but I didn't know where else to go and it was already 2:30.

I had finally found a seat and sat...and sat...and sat.  I waited patiently since the sign said, if you leave and your name is called, you lose your spot and would have to sign up again.  Oh but I saw interesting things while I waited.  

- A sign on the wall I tried to take a picture of (but was caught, so couldn't) that said, "We're not responsible if your child gets injury. No running. No playing on chair. This is not playground".  Yes, that's practically word for word.  
- Kids jumping on chairs next to me and parents cursing at them to "Sit the fuck down and cut the shit." Ahhh parenting, gotta love it.  One kid was crying because her brother told her that her breath stunk.  It did. I smelled as she stood crying/screaming next to me.
- My favorite moment actually had to be the woman sitting in front of me, with her large belly hanging out over her pants, asking her VIETNAMESE nail lady if she had a black belt in Karate.  
- Another girl in her leopard print pajama pants and big fluffy hair, in a color of, I guess you'd call it honey.  But it's clearly not a color found in nature.
- I noticed there were no real places to dry your nails.  You just stand in front of a window and place your hands in, what I can only describe as a hole in the wall.  I also noticed, after I did my toes, that they only had one fan on the floor, from I assume like a Home Depot type store, to dry toenails. Clearly NOT for your feet. 
- Oh and the below photo was my favorite.  I guess people have stolen in the past...
If you can't tell, the chairs are taped together!
So I was there for 45 minutes as people came in and out getting just "nails".  I noticed that one woman had been getting a pedicure since I had gotten there and assumed that must be the only mani/pedi lady.  When she was finally done I heard, whom I assume was the owner, tell the mani/pedi lady, "Oh she's getting pedicure.", but she wasn't pointing at me.  I turned my head and saw a girl getting up about to walk over to the pedi chairs and I knew she had NOT gotten there before me; hello, only person on the list, remember?  I got up and asked the lady, "Excuse me, but how does this mani/pedi list work?  Because I'm the only one on it and she came in after me."  With a roll in her eye, that I wanted to smack right out of her, she told Rosa (that's mani/pedi lady's name) that I'm really next.  FINALLY.  But as soon as Rosa started working on my feet I could just tell, she's just a pedi lady.  I asked during our session who would be doing my mani and she looked terrified and said, "Oh you get mani too?"  I said, "Yes, I signed up for both."  She looked up, again terrified, and said, "I do it."  At this point I didn't even care.

Now while I sat there, I see the girl who was going to take my spot originally, with someone else.  As I'm watching what's going on, Rosa asks if I'd like that as well, and I said no.

What is that you ask? Well it's a well known household appliance makers' new foot sander.  Huh? That well known household appliance maker doesn't make a foot sander?  No, you're kidding.  I swear I could see some of those city girls in there now, just fainting from the utter horror.  Surely this can't be real.  Well guess what folks, it is.  And before I get some Bronxite commenting about that I'm bougie and forgot where I came from, blah blah blah.  I think anyone with common sense would think that what I've mentioned is certainly GHETTO and ridiculous!

Once I was done with my crap mani/pedi, I hightailed it out of there.  I didn't take my frustration out on Rosa because she was really sweet... OH I forgot to mention how the sandblasted feet girl, really came over 5 minutes after I sat down to get my nails done and asked if I was done with the floor fan.  As I was about to say, sure (because I figured they'd dry in the amount of time it'd take her to do my nails anyway) this rude asshole just grabbed it and walked away.  Now don't tell me that's not rude or ghetto.  P.S. Sandblasted Feet Girl, I hope you enjoy the fungus you'll get from walking around in those paper slippers!

Now I know this blog is LONG but I'm not done.  I then went to see if I could find some jewelry for my NYE night.  Surely my experience in The Hub couldn't be 0 for 0.  So I went into 7 clothing stores, 2 had jewelry that was clearly for 15 year olds and 50 year olds trying to be 15 again.  Basically TACKY!  The other stores didn't even have any accessories, which I found weird because don't all clothing stores at least have one rack with some kind of jewelry?  Even Payless sells jewelry!  In one store, as I was going to leave, I said excuse me to a woman, who told me, "No!"  I'm sorry what?!  I say "excuse me", and you say "no".  Okay, so I walked by her and pushed her, and she hit one of the clothing racks and sucked her teeth.  Yes, because I'm in the wrong.  I decided at that point to just cut my loses and go home; walking.  I walked by crackheads arguing. An old man trying to pick me up.  A huge group of 13 year old girls that look older than me, yelling at the top of their lungs about God only knows what.  And a ton of people walking by bumping into me without saying excuse me or sorry or anything.  I stopped at Rite-Aid to pick up somethings and then stood in line near a man who wreaked!!!! of weed.  I'm convinced I'm still high from the contact I caught from him.  Then I picked up food for me and my sister.  While I waited for the food, there was some crazy kid in the place screaming, "I'm about to lose my mind up in here. People think I'm fuckin' playing and shit."  I really wanted to say, "Lose your mind about what? That your pants are hanging off your ass like you're letting people know you're ready for some ass sex? Or losing your mind about the fact that you're probably 16 and have 3 kids already."  I then went home and stuffed my fluffy girl face. 

So the moral of this story is, don't do your nails, shop or get food in the Ghetto unless it's absolutely necessary.  Which in my experience, will never be absolutely necessary.  Next time my sister is doing my nails, I'm wearing moms jewelry and I'm eating a PB&J.  The end. Goodnight!

Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas From Mimi & I!

About to put baby Jesus in the manger...  Yea, I know, I'm super pale.  Don't judge me; it's 2:30am and I'm tired! :)


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Video Clip Wednesday!

As many of you know, and if you don't you will now, I sleep with the TV on.  Thanks to a wonderful cousin of mine and her torturing me as a child, I am deathly afraid of the dark.  Now you know all my secrets.  But I'm already digressing and I haven't even started this blog... 

Okay, so a few years ago, about 4 or 5, I used to fall asleep to Nickelodeon/ Nick@Nite...  Now most days I fall asleep to the Hallmark Channel because they air the Golden Girls and I LOVE them...  Anyway, I chose Nick because they always showed Roseanne and another show I can't quite remember; but I really loved watching Rosanne.  Well one day I woke up around 6:30a and of course the TV was on.  Now around this time the channel shifts back to cartoons and whatnot.  So while easing into the transition, as many kids were waking up and turning on the TV, they used to air the below PSA.  Now I don't know what about it caught my attention, and continued to do so for months after, as they played it every morning.  But I freakin' LOVED it just as much as my Roseanne and Golden Girls.  I don't know if it's the fork break dancing in the beginning, or the plate doing the worm or if it's the Spoon saying "Huevos Rancheros".  Whatever it was, I used to wake up solely to make sure I heard this little jingle.  It actually put me in a happy mood and made me crack up all the time; did I mention I really enjoyed the rapping and the beat it has?  Tell me after hearing it you don't sing it a line at least once today.  I hope you enjoy this little trip down memory lane as much as I did when I re-heard it yesterday.

Happy Blogging!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Mimi Hates Me

So this past August my aunt passed away.  She was a wonderful person, really funny and one of those people who would give it to you straight.  One of the things I loved about her was that she was such an animal lover, and had four dogs.  So when she passed away those dogs had to find homes, and we decided to take in Mimi.  Mimi was like my aunts daughter.  As much as she loved all of them, Mimi was the real baby; she took her everywhere and treated her like gold.  I promised my aunt that I would make sure to take care of Mimi as best as she did, if not better; if I could.  That brings us to present day.

Mimi ready for her first Christmas with us. Isn't she adorable! 

My family and I joke about it all the time, but Mimi has some seriously bad breath.  She makes Charlie Tuna jealous of her fishy aroma.  She is also very hairy (she's a Pomeranian) and her nails have gotten quite long, so we needed to have her groomed.  Since we weren't ever able to get her papers, we took her to Petco so that she could get all her shots (she needs the Rabies shot to get groomed) and were hoping that the Vet could give us some feedback on her breath issues.  As the Vet was examining her and giving her the shots, I threw out that she was my aunts dog and that's why I didn't have papers or know her date of birth.  While talking the Vet took one look and said we needed to take her to a real Vet/Dentist to check her out; she had very very very very very bad tarter and possible gum disease.  Cut to this past Saturday.  As I sat there waiting for the Vet to come in, Mimi just kept staring at me like she was saying, "Why am I here?"  God, that face just makes me melt.  The Vet came in and asked questions and once again I let her know that Mimi was previously my aunts dog, and had passed away.  The Vet then did her own examine and as soon as she opened Mimi's mouth, she told me in a thick European accent, "Oh yes, she must have cleaning and extractions."  My mouth dropped. I knew it wasn't good, but EXTRACTIONS?!  She gave me a list of  "worse case scenario", things that they would do, which included a hefty bill.  When she asked me if I had any questions, all I asked was, "Do you do doggie dentures?"  She laughed. I was serious.

So surgery was set for Tuesday, December 6.  I was going insane... Now let me take a moment here to address non-animal lovers and those who just don't understand us that do love them.  We really do treat our animals like people; like our children.  They're defenseless creatures that really come into this world with nothing and without any choice.  Hell the parents have no choice.  I mean the parents don't really think, yea lets have some puppies (they're just horny), while humans can make that choice (we're just stupid).  They only have what we provide them.  If we left them running off in the streets the would probably die or be snatched up by an organization that would put them to sleep.  Yes, I'm dramatic.  So I treat Mimi like she's my daughter. I feed her, buy her clothes, treats/toys, and also spend thousands of dollars on Medical bills.  The only thing I don't do, is claim her on my taxes; and if I could, I definitely would.  So if that isn't being a parent, please enlighten me on what is...  So we get to the Vet bright and early and I swear she knew something was going to go down.  While she is normally a very calm dog, it was like she was trying to crawl into my clothes.  When they finally called our name, she had calmed down.  I was the one still going nuts.  The nurse was going on how cute Mimi was, and once again I threw out how she was my aunts dog...  I finally realized after this 50th time of saying she's my aunts dog, that its because I don't want people to think I let her teeth get this bad.  Not that I think my aunt didn't care, but I honestly don't think she ever really noticed.  So I figure they won't hate me for her teeth being that bad.  And hey, you can't hate someone who's passed on, right?  The nurse started to go through the procedure details, "Okay so this is Mimi and she'll be having hip surgery and getting spayed." O-o????  I immediately pulled Mimi away and said, "Ummm NO! She's here for teeth. TEETH! And she's already spayed."  She looked puzzled until she realized the receptionist had printed out multiple labels with my name and Mimi's and put it on her file and the file of another dog.  I was ready to run out of there like a bat out of hell.  Once they got everything in order, they put Mimi's hospital tag on, and off she went; and there went my tears.  Yes, I cried.  Damn dog! She makes me have...feelings. Yuck!

By the time they called me to pick her up, I already had one foot out the door and in the cab.  I sat there waiting and waiting for them to bring her out.  The nurse finally came out with her medication and a list of things I would have to do to take care of her.  Apparently she had severe dental disease and they had to remove almost all of her teeth, which were already loose.  Again, my mouth just dropped.  How will she eat?!   They let me know she would be fine to have solid foods again in a week.  Apparently the Vet had once seen a dog eat with no tongue. I don't know, but that's what she said.  So I wrapped up my daughter as she stared at me with pure anger and pain in her eyes, and took her home.
The little patient resting on the couch. My poor baby!!!

I've had to give her medicine last night and again this morning, and she was NOT happy.  And all night she moaned, groaned, coughed up God knows what and stared at me as if to say, "You did this to me. Who's the real Bitch here?!"  I wish she could understand I only did it for her own good.  That disease could've gone down into her stomach and gotten a whole lot worse.  Again, I'm dramatic, but damnit I love my child :).  Now Mimi is a very happy dog, and when you come through the door she's always wagging her tail and jumping up and down.  She even did this yesterday when my mom came home.  Well today I came home and all I heard was silence.  After I put my stuff down and walked over to her bed, she just looked at me like, "Who let you back in here? Leave me alone."  Call me a sap (I told you she makes me have those nasty things called "feelings") but I totally wanted to cry.  So yes, now Mimi hates me.  Plus I still have to take her to get groomed.  Lord help me, I'm gonna have to buy her love back with eggs, turkey and a lot of Christmas gifts.  Oh, the things you do when you're a Mother *sigh*.

Happy Blogging!

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The Experiment Continues...

*Special Note: I started writing this blog the weekend before Thanksgiving and deleted my dating profile shortly after.*

Ladies & Gentleman, I have moved forward in my experiment and added 1 photo to my dating profile. ::Enter Applause Here::  And Ladies & Gentleman, with that one photo, the initial 45 messages I had received on night 1, more than tripled on night 4!  I know, how exciting right?!  What a little eye candy can do for a guy; I mean just one picture!  I already knew that as human's, we're driven by the flesh more than anything else.  But hot damn I had tons of request, flirts, emails, etc.  Naturally I looked through them to see what my cute little self could attract.  I like to think of myself as a little tasty dish, so why not indulge in these fine mens' words of sweet nothings, even if I don't intend to stay on or write back. You never know, someone might catch my eye...  Well my dear readers, if you ever wanted to feel like you're a hideous creature crawling out of some sewer in Hunts Point with boils on your face, a hump in your back and a limp in your step, this.will. do it.  HOLY MOSES ON THE ARK!!!  (I'm aware it was Noah! But that's how shocked I was; I forgot my religious studies.)  If these are the only men attracted to me, it's gonna be me and the 3 digits for a very, very long time.  I've said it before, I won't say I'm drop dead gorgeous, but I can't begin to imagine that that's all I can get.  Maybe that's bitchy of me to say, and laugh if you want, but damnit, I was insulted!  I swear it was like the weirdest, creepiest and most unattractive men had a meeting, said lets get on this site and only hit up this one girl.  Men my grandfather's age. dad's age, Gollum and men who looked like serial killers were hitting me up. "Oh, she must be busy so lets send her seven messages, to ensure she gets this one!"  That is what I got my friends and I couldn't even deal.

Now remember, this was only an experiment. I am not looking to date, and will be removing my profile by weeks end.  (Profile has since been removed.)

So lets get a little deeper into the utter horror scene that was my request lists.  Here are just a few examples of some choice names/words and images I found while exploring this dating site and the "suitors" that contacted me.  If your online dating profile's name is anything like the below, you have photos like anything mentioned below, you're a creep like the men mentioned below, etc., you need to re-evaluate a lot of things in your dating life or rather, your entire life!  Even if you're just looking for booty, these names/words will NOT help you with that fight, unless your quest involves statutory rape of a 15 year old Catholic School girl:

AmorCaliente - Yea, I'm thinking that means you have some kind of itchy STD that you should get taken care of pronto! No thanks.
Papi/Chulo - 1. Stop the nonsense; you're NOT hot.  We ALL know you look like CULO!  Especially when you take those photos that we basically only see your eyes or you're 1 of 4 men in the photo.  2. You're obviously not looking for a serious relationship, so that should be reflected in your profile.
MoMoney (or anything that has money or dollars in the name) - Chances are you have none, or if you do, you're a drug dealer or a pimp.  While the money is great, I'm no longer a co-ed.
LatinLover - You have a small penis.
Gamer - You've been playing alone for a loooooooong time.
Attractive/Sexy - You're not.
Dark lighting where we only see your eyes - You'll most likely meet up with me, drug me and chop me up into little pieces while jacking off to my hair aka You're a CREEP!
Shirtless photos showing "the gun show" (I just threw up) - You used to be the fat kid with boobies that people pinched.  No girl would talk to you and all the other guys in your class made fun of you.  So now you're showing off your new found body in hopes that those girls will now find you sexy.  You're like a child with a new toy you want no one to play with. GROW UP.
You send more than one message to the same girl & it says the same thing - You haven't had sex in years and will bang anything that lightly brushes your foot aka You're a CREEP!
Photos of you near cars and scantily clad women...okay, whores - You have a small penis and truly don't know anything about what interest real women.
You're writing to women who are clearly young enough to be your daughter, or granddaughter - You're in a midlife crisis and hoping young vag will help you out of it aka You're a CREEP!

So yes, these were (just a few) of the men, and I'm using that term LOOSELY, that I found trying to contact me on this particular site.  I can't say that all sites are like this, or that even all men are like this; I know there are some good ones...there has to be.  However, this has made me see clearer and understand why so many people are into the Friends With Benefits idea.  If I could, I would probably go back on my word and start applying that rule in my own life.

In all seriousness, is that what dating has come to?  Is that all that is to be expected?  Eventually being single will run it's course and I'm going to want to date someone seriously.  And if this is what is out there, I might just ignore that idea and stick to having dogs (I don't like cats.) Or maybe snakes.  I could be like the crazy cat lady on The Simpsons, but be Crazy Snake lady, and throw snakes at people when they walk by my house.  Yea, some how that sounds like a much better plan than dating any of these fools.  I can say this for one thing, it was a very interesting and enlightening experiment.

Happy Blogging All!