Monday, August 1, 2011

Monday Grievances: Office Bathroom Etiquette

****Ladies Bathroom Etiquette****
Everyday we deal with disgusting things. The subway, the buses, sneezing children (and even adults), coughing, burping, BO in the Summer time, etc.  Obviously the list goes on and on.  One of the few places you would appreciate having some sort of peace, as close to your own home, is at work.  Lets face it many of us spend 40 or more hours here, so you'd like to feel comfortable.  Unfortunately, in our society, we deal with lots of dirty little people who don't seem to have the same idea that cleanliness is close to godliness. Now if you want to keep your area messy, who cares. But when you infect community space with your filth, like the office bathrooms, then we have issues.  Here's a list of things that bug me and millions of other people in the world, about little dirty pests like you! And YOU, know who YOU are.

  • "If you sprinkle, when you tinkle, clean it up!"  I got that quote from a sign that was posted in the bathroom at my last job.  Now that sign meant nothing to the gross women there, but it had a point nonetheless.  I get it, no one likes to sit on the toilet, so you hover over it; I do it too.  But come on, you have to know that little droplets will splash back from the water, if not from your own stream.   And I know you see these little spots on the seat when you flush.  I mean are you telling me you move backwards to flush the toilet, so you don't have to see your dirty little deed? I think not. This ESPECIALLY applies if aunt flo is in town (and we're gonna get to her too).  I do not want to walk in and see what appears to be some kind of massacre on the seat.  Wipe up your messes, little Miss Nasty.
  • Courtesy Flush (I can't stress this enough).  Lets face it sometimes you just gotta go. And to say that you've never gone #2 at work, is just crazy.  Stop your lies because I can see your nose growing from here.  There's nothing to be ashamed of, 'cause when you gotta go, you gotta go.  But for the love of all that is good and holy, think of your neighbors. You poo, you flush. You poo, you flush. Are you saying this out loud? You should be.  Do you like walking into a bathroom and immediately tasting someone's funk? I didn't think so. So do the courteous thing, and flush after every poo.
  • Flush! While we're on the subject of "flushing" and being "courteous", it would be awesome, if people would flush altogether.  I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a stall and immediately walked out because someone left what appears to be a baby arm in the toilet.  Please don't say you forgot, because that's just ridiculous. I can't imagine you're pulling up your pants with your eyes closed and listening to your IPod at the same time.  Turn around, look, flush.  And if it doesn't go down after the first flush, do it again. Its not rocket science, so stop making shit complicated... See what I did there. LOL
  • Spray. Many of us have the luxury of our companies supplying the bathroom with a air freshener.  USE IT!  Take it in with you and spray while you poo.  Or if you're nervous people will recognize your shoes and the spray next to it, then see bullet point #2 "poo, flush" and when you get out,  spray.  I mean its not just for us.  I don't care what anyone says, I'm sure your own aroma doesn't intrigue you that much.  And if it does, seek help sicko.
  • Aunt Flo. Oh yes, our favorite monthly visitor.  We (as in ladies) all get her, or have gotten her, and know the hassle of running to the bathroom and taking an extra 5 minutes more in the stall prepping our "adult diapers".  Now I can't possibly believe that when you're at home, you just throw the wrappers on the floor or try to flush pads down the toilet.  And why don't you do that? Because 1. you don't (I would assume) want to live in a pigsty and 2. because you know it will clog the toilet.  So, why in the name of Christmas! would you do that at work?  This is not the bathroom at Orchard Beach, where some people just don't give a rats ass.  This is where you work. You probably spend more time at your job than you do in your own home.  So stop throwing shit all over the floor, because in about 97 percent (I'm making that percentage up) of work bathrooms there is a little "sanitary napkin" canister thingy (you know what I'm talking about) where you can easily throw away your wrappers and other unmentionables.  THAT'S WHY IT'S THERE!  Stop flushing things you know damn well will not flush and then leaving it there for the next unsuspecting victim that comes in after you, to find. Ugh, freaking cochinas!
  • Wash your hands. What is so hard about walking to the sink, putting a dab of soap on your hands and washing them.  Its absolutely disgusting to see women, especially in their 30s, 40s and so on, walk out of a stall, look at themselves in the mirror and then leave.  Even if i just go in the stall to pick a wedgie, I wash my hands.  Wash your hands you dirty dirty hamster or don't complain that you have to do Carol's work because she called out sick.  If you weren't so filthy, you wouldn't have that issue.  ALSO, I need to emphasize on that soap part.  Just because you put water on your hands, doesn't mean their clean.  It's washing your hands, not calculus. Again, stop making things so difficult.
  • Sink Clean Up. When you do wash your hands (and believe me I thank you for that) do us the favor and don't create a pool fit for Smurfs to drown in, around the sink.  I mean are you taking a bath or washing your hands?  I've seen people splash around the sink as if they're washing dishes and creating a mess.  Then when it's your turn to wash your hands, your shirt and pants are now soaked.  Again we appreciate the effort, but take it down a notch.  And while we're at it, keep the water in the sink.  I shouldn't come out of the stall and start slippin' and slidin' all over the place.
  • GET OUT.  If you're done using the bathroom and someone is in there, and you can tell (don't say you can't) they're trying to go numero dos, GET OUT!  Its not time to brush your hair, adjust your makeup, wash your fruit (yes this has happened to me!), cry about why daddy didn't love you, etc.  Everyone knows when you go to the last stall, it's serious "potty" time.  And what further gives it away that someone is trying get rid of breakfast or lunch, is that that person doesn't make a peep!  Literally they are like statues, where you have to think, "Is someone really in there?" They don't breathe, they don't move, I'm not even sure they're blinking.  Obviously they need to go and are trying to be courteous to you by not engulfing you in there fumes.  So be kind back and leave once you're done.
  • Social Hour? I get it, an hour at lunch is just not enough time to gossip about your other co-workers and nonsense.  However, the bathroom isn't really the most appropriate place to have coffee talk.  I for example, can be a "pee-shy".  So I really don't feel like hovering over the toilet for more than 5 minutes waiting for you to finish complaining about your boss and how much you hate him.  If I wanted to do squats, I'd go to the gym.  Furthermore, it's also not a phone booth.  I don't care that cousin Becky is pregnant again and she's only 17.  Take it outside, so I can use the bathroom in peace.  If I wanted entertainment, I'd bring a book.  And If you were meant to talk there, they'd set up couches and not stalls with toilets...  Continuing with this, don't start a conversations with someone using the bathroom either. Now is not the time to talk about Gary's Powerpoint presentation.  It's just weird.
  • Paper Jam.  If you see someone walking out of the stall with tissue or whatever on their shoe, please tell them.  That may be you one day, and I'm sure no one wants that image of themselves left with anyone.

Now obviously this is from my point of view; the point of view of a woman.  I don't know what's going on in the men's room.  And though I'd like to believe we're less "messy", something tells me men don't have HALF the problems we do.  So stop being dirty little pigs and start being ladies!

Happy Blogging!


  1. lmfaooooo u r sooo right.. ILOVETHISBLOG!! I have bathroom issues at work and the sad thing is there's only 3 ladies here(notincludingmyself)!! all over the age of 35..!puercas, cochinas....

  2. This is your BEST BLOG YET!

  3. It just had to be sad..thanks!

  4. This was freaking AWESOME LOL...seriously lots of women out there are PIGS. I want to print this out and post it on the wall. The "Sink Clean Up" is the main issue at work that I've seen so far. I don't know what these women are doing because seriously the whole damn counter top is WET so wet that it drips on the FLOOR. Ugh. Thanks for the laugh :)

  5. Jajajajajaj.... So funny, but true! So true that at my job I prefer to go into the men's restroom because the women's is disgusting! So sad!

  6. This is too freaken funny! I was having issues with women and bathroom etiquette and I actually was going to email you about writing a blog on it! Great minds think alike! My favorite bathroom signs: for ladies: If you sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. For Men: We aim to please - you aim too, please!

  7. This is too funny but so true!! Just one thing I must about your in an empty bathroom and they come and sit in the stall right next to you!! REALLY?!! There are 5 empty freaking stalls why must you come next to me! I thought that was common etiquette! But what tops the cake for me was someone did that and seriously dropped a have no idea how fast I ran outta there freaking disgusting I tell ya! Some people have no shame! ugh! Oh just remembered another one I have this lady on my floor that uses the bathroom sink to clean out her VEGETABLES, SALAD'S AND SHIT! WTF! Gross and so disturbing! I understand that since she is closer to the bathroom instead of the pantry but STILL! Don't do that! I cant see you rinsing out your cup or dumping the rest of ur coffee or whatever but NOT TO CLEAN UR FOOD!! She must not realize that FECAL MATTER flys in the air when you flush! UGH GROSS! I'm done! lol

  8. I meant to say CAN not CAN'T but I think you got it lol

  9. LMBO!!!! You know I had that happened to me the other day. All the stalls are empty, but you not only want to sit in the one next to me, but you want to drop a deuce while you're at it! I can't. And yes I have the person who comes in and cleans their fruit in the bathroom. It makes me want to vomit every time I think about it, because just like you said fecal matter FLYS!! Some people just don't have common sense.

  10. I would like to say a BIG Thank you for this article. We have been dealing with this at our office and I thought it was just me. I have shared this with a few ladies but may print it out and share it with the rest of the office. Thank you so much for each point that you made here! maybe it helps them piggy's get the idea.