Friday, December 30, 2011

Jerks, Crying Children & Crackheads, OH MY!

So it's NYE time and every girl in America is running out to get her hair & nails done, dancing shoes, a cute outfit and the right jewelry so she can party the night away in style.  I bought new shoes.  Don't judge me... 

Aren't they cute?!  Damnit, ignore the black socks; it was helping me to stretch them out.  As you know, I rarely ever wear heels, so I need all the help I can get.

I was pretty much set, except I forgot to get my nails done.  I told myself all week to get them done around my job, but it was a hectic work week and when my boss offered to let me work from home Friday, I jumped at the chance.  So after I was done working at home, I decided I'd venture out into my neighborhood and try and find a salon.  Seems like a small task.  I mean there must be salons on every corner, I live in the South Bronx.  But no my dear readers, not simple at all.  See I live near a shopping area that I'd like to refer to as "The Hell Hole of The Bronx."  I swear every ghetto asshole, men and women alike, must come here for a daily "Lets fuck up someone's day" meeting.  Lord, why didn't anyone stop me.

The Salon! Entrance, right near a bus stop that was difficult to find at first, because of a crowd of people that stood in front of the area where the door was.  After saying excuse me about 4 times, they finally heard me over the screaming children and their own loud laughter.  What they were laughing at, I have no idea. Maybe they knew what was in store for me.  I finally walked into the nail salon (suggested by a friend who I will be punching in the boob later) up the stairs and through the door. Needless to say it was packed.  So I stood there waiting for someone to come up to me and ask what I was there for.  That's how most salons do it.  After 5 minutes of being ignored, I walked over to a table that had two sign in sheets on clip boards.  One for "Nails" and the other for "Mani/Pedi's".  If you're from the BX you already know what the "Nail" sign in sheet means, but for those who don't, let me explain.  If you're there to get acrylic nails, that's the one you sign up for.  And of course if you're from the BX, you know that that list is a mile long.  See in my area, playfully known as "The Ghetto", no one really ever gets just a Mani, that's more of a city thing.  Seriously, go to a Ghetto nail salon, like I did, and ask for a Mani. Then go to a Salon in the City and ask for acrylic nails.  They will both look at you like you have 8 heads.  Anyway, I signed up for a Mani/Pedi and I was lucky (so I thought) because I was the only one on that list.  I walk over and stand by a girl, who's talking on her phone. A moment later I hear her say, "Oh no, there is a roach on the wall in this salon. That is disrespectful."  It's at this moment you're saying to yourself, "And then you left right?"  No, sadly I did not.  I just moved away.  I should've run, but I didn't know where else to go and it was already 2:30.

I had finally found a seat and sat...and sat...and sat.  I waited patiently since the sign said, if you leave and your name is called, you lose your spot and would have to sign up again.  Oh but I saw interesting things while I waited.  

- A sign on the wall I tried to take a picture of (but was caught, so couldn't) that said, "We're not responsible if your child gets injury. No running. No playing on chair. This is not playground".  Yes, that's practically word for word.  
- Kids jumping on chairs next to me and parents cursing at them to "Sit the fuck down and cut the shit." Ahhh parenting, gotta love it.  One kid was crying because her brother told her that her breath stunk.  It did. I smelled as she stood crying/screaming next to me.
- My favorite moment actually had to be the woman sitting in front of me, with her large belly hanging out over her pants, asking her VIETNAMESE nail lady if she had a black belt in Karate.  
- Another girl in her leopard print pajama pants and big fluffy hair, in a color of, I guess you'd call it honey.  But it's clearly not a color found in nature.
- I noticed there were no real places to dry your nails.  You just stand in front of a window and place your hands in, what I can only describe as a hole in the wall.  I also noticed, after I did my toes, that they only had one fan on the floor, from I assume like a Home Depot type store, to dry toenails. Clearly NOT for your feet. 
- Oh and the below photo was my favorite.  I guess people have stolen in the past...
If you can't tell, the chairs are taped together!
So I was there for 45 minutes as people came in and out getting just "nails".  I noticed that one woman had been getting a pedicure since I had gotten there and assumed that must be the only mani/pedi lady.  When she was finally done I heard, whom I assume was the owner, tell the mani/pedi lady, "Oh she's getting pedicure.", but she wasn't pointing at me.  I turned my head and saw a girl getting up about to walk over to the pedi chairs and I knew she had NOT gotten there before me; hello, only person on the list, remember?  I got up and asked the lady, "Excuse me, but how does this mani/pedi list work?  Because I'm the only one on it and she came in after me."  With a roll in her eye, that I wanted to smack right out of her, she told Rosa (that's mani/pedi lady's name) that I'm really next.  FINALLY.  But as soon as Rosa started working on my feet I could just tell, she's just a pedi lady.  I asked during our session who would be doing my mani and she looked terrified and said, "Oh you get mani too?"  I said, "Yes, I signed up for both."  She looked up, again terrified, and said, "I do it."  At this point I didn't even care.

Now while I sat there, I see the girl who was going to take my spot originally, with someone else.  As I'm watching what's going on, Rosa asks if I'd like that as well, and I said no.

What is that you ask? Well it's a well known household appliance makers' new foot sander.  Huh? That well known household appliance maker doesn't make a foot sander?  No, you're kidding.  I swear I could see some of those city girls in there now, just fainting from the utter horror.  Surely this can't be real.  Well guess what folks, it is.  And before I get some Bronxite commenting about that I'm bougie and forgot where I came from, blah blah blah.  I think anyone with common sense would think that what I've mentioned is certainly GHETTO and ridiculous!

Once I was done with my crap mani/pedi, I hightailed it out of there.  I didn't take my frustration out on Rosa because she was really sweet... OH I forgot to mention how the sandblasted feet girl, really came over 5 minutes after I sat down to get my nails done and asked if I was done with the floor fan.  As I was about to say, sure (because I figured they'd dry in the amount of time it'd take her to do my nails anyway) this rude asshole just grabbed it and walked away.  Now don't tell me that's not rude or ghetto.  P.S. Sandblasted Feet Girl, I hope you enjoy the fungus you'll get from walking around in those paper slippers!

Now I know this blog is LONG but I'm not done.  I then went to see if I could find some jewelry for my NYE night.  Surely my experience in The Hub couldn't be 0 for 0.  So I went into 7 clothing stores, 2 had jewelry that was clearly for 15 year olds and 50 year olds trying to be 15 again.  Basically TACKY!  The other stores didn't even have any accessories, which I found weird because don't all clothing stores at least have one rack with some kind of jewelry?  Even Payless sells jewelry!  In one store, as I was going to leave, I said excuse me to a woman, who told me, "No!"  I'm sorry what?!  I say "excuse me", and you say "no".  Okay, so I walked by her and pushed her, and she hit one of the clothing racks and sucked her teeth.  Yes, because I'm in the wrong.  I decided at that point to just cut my loses and go home; walking.  I walked by crackheads arguing. An old man trying to pick me up.  A huge group of 13 year old girls that look older than me, yelling at the top of their lungs about God only knows what.  And a ton of people walking by bumping into me without saying excuse me or sorry or anything.  I stopped at Rite-Aid to pick up somethings and then stood in line near a man who wreaked!!!! of weed.  I'm convinced I'm still high from the contact I caught from him.  Then I picked up food for me and my sister.  While I waited for the food, there was some crazy kid in the place screaming, "I'm about to lose my mind up in here. People think I'm fuckin' playing and shit."  I really wanted to say, "Lose your mind about what? That your pants are hanging off your ass like you're letting people know you're ready for some ass sex? Or losing your mind about the fact that you're probably 16 and have 3 kids already."  I then went home and stuffed my fluffy girl face. 

So the moral of this story is, don't do your nails, shop or get food in the Ghetto unless it's absolutely necessary.  Which in my experience, will never be absolutely necessary.  Next time my sister is doing my nails, I'm wearing moms jewelry and I'm eating a PB&J.  The end. Goodnight!

Happy New Year!


  1. Let me start by saying those shoes are hot! Or like we say in the ghetto they fire! Having said that, altho I was raised in SoBro (that's what its called now) I refuse to shop the hub, Fordham or southern blvd! Call me buji. I am conyo! Next time u want to do your nails dear niece get on the train in the opposite direction uptown to Morris Park, not only do they do mani/pedis, they have spas! But chalk your ghetto experience to yet another great blog. Happy New Year to you and the fam. Smooches!

  2. OMG, girl, you need to get out of the BX! I felt your pain in every sentence. I hope that despite the fiascos in preparing for it, you still had a great NYE. I too, love the shoes! And next time you need your hair or nails done, call me. I make house calls if necessary. Oh, and I make jewelry too. Lol Wishing you all the best in 2012!

  3. WOW!!!! I truly can not get over the hand sander picture! SERIOUSLY?!? No words!

  4. I don't know what to say. Okay I do! What the fuck is up in the Bronx? I have never heard of a nail place like that. I guess I'm spoiled because I would have run out of there screaming.

    How does someone come in there and steal a chair?

    A hand sander? Wouldn't that hurt?

    You are brave bella! :-)