Dear Cupid...

Dear Cupid,

Listen up you little fat toddler looking bastard.  I have had about enough of you.  It never fails that on every Valentine's Day, you turn otherwise normal and intelligent people into foolish, gibberish speaking, idiotic, love sick and/or depressed lunatics and I am sick of it.  I personally have been hit far to many times by your poisonous arrows and have been left with nothing more than mascara smudged eyes, a broken heart and bad credit.  Would it kill you to aim at someone that has a Mansion, tons of cash and wants to spend all their time with me?   I guess it would, because then how would you get your jollies.  I know you sit there on your little cloud just laughing away and eating tubs of ice cream and fried chicken or whatever you Cherub type(s) assholes eat.   You think you're so clever because if these "accidents" keep happening, you're sure to have a job the following year because you'll have to "fix" it.  Well let me tell you I'm done!  I'm through.  We're finished!  It would give me nothing but pure pleasure if you would take your little bow and arrows and shove them up somewhere so far that you won't be able to function for weeks...maybe even months.  Do you understand me?  Are you paying attention to what I'm saying here, you miniature monster?!  I hope you pray at night that I never find you, because when I do, I'm gonna choke you with your harp strings, ram your face in your own dirty diaper and rip your wings off feather by feather.  And while we're on the subject of attire, answer me this:  Why the hell are you flying around in diapers?  Are you really a baby?  If you are, I have a huge problem with you traveling around with weapons.  They're dangerous and so are you, and I'm not comfortable with that combination.  Secondly, if you're not a baby and are indeed some Verne Troyer look-a-like, put some clothes on.  Have you no decency?  It is in no way "cute" or "adorable" for a fat man to be flying around with no clothes on.  Have some self respect and put on a Tuxedo.  I think they look adorable on babies and/or little people.  But that's not the point!

Where did you even come from?  Did the Easter Bunny put you up to this because we keep stealing his eggs?  Well tell him to get over it.  If he weren't such a lazy jackass, he'd be quicker in picking up his stuff than we are.   But whatever it is that brought you here doesn't even matter.   All I know is that I would like you to vanish; just be gone.  Take your harp, wings and pathetic and fake notions of "love" and walk in front of moving traffic. Drink and Fly. Eat & take a dip in the pool.  Just go away.  Because you tend to think you're so cute and charming, and you're not.  You keep fooling people with all these romanticized ideas that are complete nonsense, and then we're left with the filthy blown up remains of your crafty work which leaves a stench of fear, loathing and tears in the air.  People see you and become, dare I say it, "happy" and "joyful"; but most importantly dense and forgetful!  They throw caution to the wind and ignore the fact that you mind raped them the previous year and go through the horrid process all over again.  Then 3 months from now, when they're left without love, out in the cold and eating cheesecake frosting straight from the container, they finally remember why they hate you.  You sick twisted fuck individual, are you proud of yourself?  I bet you are.  Well it's not working with me sir. No, not this year.  This year I'm out for blood, and it's either you or me chubbster.  And your chances my butterball looking friend don't look so hot this year, because I'm coming at you like a piranha in 3D!  

So Cupid, this coming Valentine's Day you stay as far away as humanly possible from me, my friends and my family.  If you come within two inches of us, I'm bringing a world of pain your way.  Understood???....  But leave the Chocolates by the door because I like sweets and well I'm greedy.

Sincerely,
La Latina Loquita

Photo Credit: Zwani.com