Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Toe-To-Toe "Wednesday": Can you date a friend of an EX?

Welcome back to Toe-To-Toe.  As I mentioned yesterday we were switching it up this week, so Wordless Wednesday turned into Wordless Tuesday, and today we're bringing you Toe-To-Toe Wednesday.  Don't forget as always to check out Ozymandias after reading this post to find out his view on our chosen topic of the week.

And we begin...

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There are countless ways to meet that special someone.  You can meet by bumping into him/her on the street, in line at Starbucks, at a nightclub or even on the internet.  You can also meet that special someone through a friend or loved one.  But what happens when you meet that person and they happen to be friends with an EX?  Do you pursue the relationship?  Or do you just ignore your feelings and keep it moving.  For me, I have an answer since I have personally experienced this type of situation twice in my life.  In one situation I was the girl falling for the friend of an ex-boyfriend and in the other situation a friend of mine fell for an ex-boyfriend of mine.

Story 1 (Names have been changed to protect the innocent):

I had dated Ronnie for about 3 years and when we broke up, things didn't end so well.  However eventually after a little bit of time, we were able to finally put our differences aside and be "friends".  On occasion I would hang out with him and his friends and we always had a great time.  One day one of his friends Mike, brought along another friend, Vinny.  We seemed to have a lot in common and I thought he was a really funny and interesting.  Well later Ronnie, went back to school, and I continued to hang out with his friends, because they had eventually become my friends.  One day I saw another friend of the group, Pauly, at the movie theater and he suggested we all go out the following day to just hang.  On the day we hung out, Vinny also came along.  We continued to hit it off, and I continued to hang out with the guys.  After a few weeks I realized that I really liked him; he was like me in male form.  When I started to realize my feelings were growing, I asked him how he felt and he told me he had similar feelings for me.  Now even though Ronnie and I had decided to remain friends, I knew that this might present an issue.  However Vinny comforted me and said that he didn't feel it would be that much of a problem because he was more of the other guys' in the group friend then his.  I took solace in the words Vinny said, and eventually I decided that before I got carried away with Vinny, I would need to tell Ronnie.  Well that obviously did not turn out well.  Granted I told him all this via email (because I was a chicken and wasn't sure of his reaction and also because I needed calling cards to call him and I refused to spend money to possibly be yelled at, ha!), I never expected his reaction to be as nasty as it was.  Did I expect him to send me a singing telegram and flowers saying congratulations? NO! Of course not.  At most I expected him to be somewhat upset, but considering he was moving out as well, I didn't expect what I got.  There was a lot of back and forth and unpleasant things said and eventually our friendship and his friendship with Vinny, died.  This caused issues between the group of friends, and I felt terrible about it.  And though I eventually found out that Vinny and Ronnie were closer friends than Vinny had lead on, I couldn't help that I had fallen for him.  In my mind I felt that I needed to trust my heart and go with what I felt was right.  Of course inside I felt shitty horrible for having hurt Ronnie, but what had been done was done.  After two years, Vinny and I broke up, but to this day we remain friends.  I am also still friends with Ronnie believe it or not.

Story 2 (Names have been changed to protect the innocent):

This story actually involves Vinny as well.  Come to think of it maybe he's the issue here. I kid, I kid...  Vinny and my friend Nicole began connecting and hanging out.  I am not sure how or why that happened, since as far as I knew he only knew her sister Sammi, and hadn't ever met her, but regardless they began seeing each other.  Apparently things began to get serious and Nicole felt she needed to let me know.  While I was at a show in the city with some friends, she happened to call me.  Nicole seemed really worried and nervous while speaking to me, so I knew something was up.  I told her to relax and to tell me what was wrong.  She finally told me that she was calling because she wanted my permission to go out with Vinny.  At first I thought to myself, "Huh?".  Again, when the hell did they start hanging out?  But after a few minutes of taking it all in, I told her it wasn't an issue at all.  I wished them the best and that was the end of it.  Now don't get me wrong, I was once deeply in love with Vinny.  But we had broken up and I had moved on. And I knew he would too.  And it didn't bother me at all that he happened to move on to her.  I was happy for both of them, and til this day I don't regret it nor do I have any issues with it.  Would I ever discuss intimate details about our or their relationship with her?  Not at all; and thankfully I never did before they dated either.  But could I sit there and listen to her or even him for that matter, talk about issues they would have during their relationship?  Yes, I don't see why not.  And would I dare leave her alone with a another boyfriend of mine? Yes, I don't see why I wouldn't.  Again, it didn't and doesn't bother me and I don't see why it should... *Note: Vinny and Nicole are no longer together. Vinny is married and Nicole in another relationship.*

Okay so maybe I've seen one to many episodes of Saved By the Bell or Beverly Hills 90210, where everyone has dated each other and has remained friends.  But to me this was never something I saw as being a big deal.  I believe that the heart wants what the heart wants and you can't always help who you fall for.  I think it really depends on those involved and how you approach the situation.  If you go behind a friend's back and start dating their EX, then yes, you're a bit of an a-hole.  But if you're upfront with them and tell them like it is, I don't see it as an end of the world issue.  And I've heard all the arguments about dating an EX's friend, and how disrespectful it is.  And yes it can be because like everything in the world, there are exceptions.  If this person ruined your friends life with some kind of STD, ruined their credit, or left them stranded in a foreign country, then maybe you want to steer clear of that person.  Or if you know for a fact that that EX was your friends "love of their life" or they were previously engaged, then again it might not be the best idea.  And I've heard people say "Well if they want my sloppy seconds, then so be it."  But if that's an argument, then couldn't we say that everyone is having someone's sloppy seconds out there?  I mean unless you're dating a virgin, you're in the category of, "One man's trash, is another man's treasure."  So again it all depends on those involved, because every case is different.  Some people may be like me, where it doesn't really bother them and isn't an issue.  However some people may be so offended that the friendship ends.  But in my opinion if a friendship ends over that, then maybe there wasn't a friendship to begin with.  And if your response to that is, the person making the choice to "go after" an ex isn't the friend, then I'd say maybe you're right.  But maybe, just maybe, you're wrong.  In matters of the heart, you just never know.

So what did my dear friend Mr.Ozymandias have to say on this topic?  Click now to find out if he agrees or disagrees with my point of's a hint: he doesn't!

Happy Blogging All!

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