Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Tuesday Laugh Day...

So yesterday I mentioned that I was wrapping gifts trying to bring up my mood.  Well around 6 o'clock last night the final package I was waiting for (a gift for my mom) came in. I went downstairs to sign for it, and low and behold the name of the place is written all over the package! Thank God she wasn't home because she would have been super nosey trying to read it. Well my sister (who's 11) was home. I had to fly upstairs huffing and puffing before she could see it. (I ran up one flight of stairs, but I'm out of shape. Don't judge me). Of course as I'm running into my room she comes running out of hers and I had to slam my door shut and lock it....Now the last time we did this, where she was running after me, she pulled on the doorknob and actually locked me in. Why was she chasing me? Because I had a bag of Runts (you know that candy that's in the shape of banana's, apples, pears etc) my mother wanted and she wanted to steal them for her. You know, be the favorite child....Anyway I digress as usual. So I'm standing there trying to figure out where the hell to put this package. My mom won't check for it, but my sister, that kid will search the sink drain if she thinks something in there is for her. I look under the bed and already tell myself no. She'll look there, and with the dust bunnies living there, I'd be sure to have it stolen before anyone saw it. (No I'm not THAT messy, but my room collects dust quicker than a Golden Girls vagina...too much?) Then I think my closet. But me and my mother share clothes, or rather sneak into each others closet and steal clothes; I just knew that wasn't an option.  Finally I settle on the perfect space!

I have a shelf above my door. So I think PERFECT. Even I don't look up there; couldn't tell you what's up there to begin with. (Mother if you're reading this, if I so much as think you've gone up there, it's going back!) So now I need a ladder, but I figure if i so much as open my door an inch the queen brat is gonna run in. So I think simple, I'll just use my computer chair. You know the one with...THE WHEELS! Did I mention I have HARDWOOD FLOORS on top of that?! I don't know WTF I was thinking. I stand up on the chair, not to mention that I have a old mail, socks & a curtain package on the chair. And as soon as I get to stand half way I'm already rocking back and forth. I take the package from under my chin, because that's the smart way to hold it of course, and finally grab it with my hand.  I start to shove it in the shelf but something is in the way. WTF is up there? I still couldn't tell you. So, while still trying to balance myself, I move whatever is in the way with my other hand and shove the package in. At the moment of that last push I shake backwards, then forwards and then backwards again. My legs are complete Jello and all I can think is, "I'm going to die right now all from playing hide and go seek with fu*king X-mas presents & I have granny underwear on!" I made a swift decision and jumped off. Thank GOD for such a small room & such a big bed; I flew right on top of that bad boy.

So the moral of the story is. Fu*k Christmas... No I kid, I kid.  The moral is, don't be an a-hole and use your brain. Common sense says standing on a chair with wheels spells horror story. It could've been worse; especially with my luck.  Another moral, it's OK to hit children when they're pestering you. OK maybe not hit, but shove out of the way so they cry a little. Its out of love. ;)

Happy Blogging All.


  1. I brought home an Amazon box and Edith looked inside for a gift she ordered not thinking anything for her could possibly in that box. She claims she didn't see anything (which is more BS than you find on the floor of most barns), but the only reason I found out is because she didn't fold the flaps of the box closed the same way I had. There are two rules that should hold true through December:
    1) No buying things for yourself (greedy jerk), you should be buying things for others, not ruining a potential gift idea for you.
    2) Mind ya business, that's all, just mind ya business. People go through a lot of trouble finding the right gift for you, don't ruin it by snooping in places you shouldn't. Sidenote: Maybe next year I'll fill decoy boxes with old gym clothes and leave those around, Merry Stankmas snooper!

    P.S. To Edith, my love. If you're reading this, most of my opinions are based on generalities and not directed towards you. Thanks for the chocolate chip walnut cookies :)...you're very attractive

  2. I could not agree with you more! You should never buy gifts for yourself in December. Unless its something you desperately need like soap or deodorant or condoms; but other items for your selfish ass, are off limits! And also people go through alot to surprise your ass. Have the decency to keep your snoopy hands & eyes to yourself...On a side note, I also agree with you in that Edith is very attractive. LOL