Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Why Am I Such A Fatty McFatty?

Angel Me: I wonder why I'm gaining weight?
Devil Me: Maybe its because your fat ass doesn't know how to put down the pizza and walk away.
Angel Me: But fatty likes pizza :(

So this morning I woke up at 6am and told myself, "Maybe I should get up and run." Great idea! But instead, though I wasn't sleepy anymore, I decided to stay in bed and eventually dozed off.  I don't understand what it is about me, but I just can not get my fat ass out of bed to work out.  I can't even get myself to go after work. I just have no energy or desire to do so.  I finally woke up at 8am to get ready for work.  And as always, I was running late. Why was I running late you ask. Was it because I woke up at 8 and should be at work by 9:30? No, that wasn't it. Was it because I dragged my ass the entire morning? Nope, that was it either.  It was because I got into a brawl with 5 pairs of jeans and they all won.  Two pairs of jeans barely made it up my cuchifrito thighs, one pair of jeans did manage to get up the thighs after doing the snake on my bed, but after buttoning them I lost consciousness for a good 3 minutes.  1 pair I didn't even bother because who wants to burst into tears so early in the morning. The last pair, Jeggings (which always work in a pinch) went up over the thighs and buttoned comfortably. However once on, they proceeded to give me that oh so sexy camel toe look. If the shirt I was wearing had been longer, I swear I would've just walked out, but it was not.   And though some of the ladies out here may be cool with that look, I prefer for people not to see my cervix when I walk. Finally I decided to wear my trustee go to jeans, which are a size larger than what I normally wear and waddled off to work.

Now I don't know why I continue to gain weight. I really don't eat that badly. For example I had a Nutri-Grain bar and a cup of coffee for breakfast, a turkey & cheese sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes & mustard and a bag of Sour & Cream potato chips for lunch (that's my big meal of the day; and hey didn't Jared lose weight on sandwiches?) and then a bowl of Special K for dinner. I'll throw some snacks in there every once in a while, but it's like Special K crackers or Rice Cakes. So is what I'm eating really that bad?  OK, I did have McDonald's for dinner last Friday & Wendy's for Dinner on Sunday, BUT what I ate during the day on both those days, was pretty good; nothing worse than scrambled eggs, and that's good in protein right?  I've even given up soda. SODA! Do you know what's that like for a Coca Cola addict like myself? Do you?! It's like asking the birds not to fly. Wait they're dropping quicker then a Teen Mom's panties. OK, it's like asking Brett Favre not to be a perv. It's just nature.  The worse part of it all, is as women, the older we get, the harder it is to lose weight. You know that commercial where the woman says she cut out soda and lost like a pound and her husband cut it out and lost like 15 lbs. That's how I feel. Men lose weight, and women pick it up.  And I've tried doing tons of detoxes, some of which have actually been successful. But for some reason, the older I get, the worse my self-control gets. I've been dieting or rather trying to watch my weight and food intake for the past few months and all I do is go up and down like a damn see-saw. I'm about to take my savings and just pay for the damn lipo!

So yesterday, after being on the phone for half an hour with Amazon fixing my Kindle, I was not up for the gym. Surprise, surprise the girls' got another excuse. But anyway, in Christmas of '09 my mom got me the Wii Fit and I've only used it once. So when I walked into the living room afterwards, I decided what the hell, let me give the Wii Fit another go.  All I did was take the Body Test and I almost cried. Not only am I, according to this game, border line obese, my Wii Fit age is 47! Christ, 47?  Really? I'm only 28 :(.  I know my bones creak A LOT, but 47.  And what is up with the little Wii Fit board onscreen that tells you to get on the board and when you do it goes, "OOOOOOO" in this voice that sounds like it's not so silently saying "Bitch you just broke me, get off." Just tell me to jump off a bridge because I'm too fat to live. After a quick Hula Hoop game in the "Aerobics" section, in which i huffed and puffed like the old bitch that I am, I quit. I was so disgusted by myself.

So today, after canceling on the gym again (apparently my brain went into shut down mode while waiting for the 2 train, because four number 5's went by before I got on one. So I completely forgot I had told my friend I'd go to the gym with him) I decided to just do the Wii Fit.  Besides I know that Planet Fatness is still full of all those "New Years' Resolutioners" who are continuing to fake it and are taking up precious machines I'd like to use. I rather deal with my sister staring at me work out then to deal with them. Which, why do people do that? It irks me when people watch me work out. What are you looking at? And please don't criticize my movements. This goes for home & at the gym. Anyway I decided to do Yoga & some Aerobics to start.  Now this is in no way an endorsement for the game console or the actual game, it's just really my experience and opinion. But if I ever hear anyone make fun of people that say they've lost weight on the Wii Fit again, I'm punching them right in the throat! After the 52 minutes I spent using this, I understand how, if done properly, people can get in shape.  It's exactly like doing a video. Why I didn't continue on when I first got it, is beyond me? I did 7 of the Yoga poses offered, 2x or 3x's each, and then I did some Running, Steps and Crunches. Let me tell you, Yoga is no joke. I've never done it before because my balance is horrible and I couldn't stand on one leg and hold the other if my life depended on it. But right now my legs are sore and so is my stomach. Either this thing really works, or I'm seriously out of shape. I know it's the latter, but I'm gonna have faith and say it's the first one.
So I think I'm going to try this for a little while.  And if it doesn't work, then I'll just have to come to the terms with this blob I call a body and blow the fucking game up.  As it stands the Wii Fit still says I'm 47 and sad to say that's how my body feels, which is so depressing and makes me want to eat a cookie. My sister tested herself as well and we found that little miss ballerina's age is 25 (she's really 11). Hahaha, take that! In yo face! That's right, I make fun of kids. So when we told our mom what our ages were she said, "What?! Well then what am I then, like 80".  And I said, "No, you're probably dead."

Happy Blogging All

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  1. Damn I'm going to have to get on and figure out if I'm alive or not cause my kids are really old!

  2. First let me tell you, your not alone when it comes to the gym or the eating. If you talk to anyone that knows me, they will tell you that I'm always on a diet. but I try not to think of it as a diet, i just watch what I eat. I think, that by what you wrote here, your not eating enough stuff to fill you up and thats why your hungry later.. I would try eating a bigger ( but healthy breakfast) like oatmeal and a fruit and that will keep you full longer and also drinking a lot of water all the time.

    Good luck and keep us posted.