Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Toe to Toe Tuesdays: Orgasms

*Listen up friends, every Tuesday my friend Ozymandias and I will be going “Toe-to-Toe” on any given topic.  Here you’ll get a females point of view and on his page you’ll get a males point of view.   Make sure to check out both of our posts every Tuesday for dueling views, ideas and opinions.* 

Disclaimer: The contents of today's blog is that of a sexual nature.  Reader discretion is advised.

So you finally managed to nab yourself a date after months of playing the field. The first date turns into the second date and so forth.  He’s hot, you’re hot, and you’ve talked about everything under the sun to make you think you're soulmates, so of course you start to wonder when that “special moment” is finally going to happen.  All you’ve done up until this point is imagine, dream & draw pictures of how wonderful and spontaneous that moment will be; and of course it’s going to be great…right?  So after some funny movies, cheap wine and a back rub, you both start to go in for the kill.   There’s passion, lust and heat circulating in the air and neither of you can control yourselves.  Everything is going great, you're seeing unicorns, bubblegum and raindrops and then it happens. YOU'RE STUCK!  Homeboy starts going crazy huffin’ and puffin’ away, meanwhile you’re wondering where Ashton Kutcher is, because you’re definitely being PUNKED.  So what do you do?  Start moaning and calling out “oh baby oh baby” or whatever the kids say nowadays.  When this debacle is finally over and he’s done with his one man show, he rolls over and tells you how great it was.  And now because you’ve made a colossal sex mistake by pretending to be satisfied, you’re left shocked, confused & now pulling your underwear out of the dogs mouth so you can get the hell out of there.

Yes, ladies (and gentleman who’ve popped in just in time) the topic of the day is ORGASMS.  Have you had them? Thankfully I have. If not, do you fake them?  Let me answer that one for you, NO!  However, I’ve known quite a few women (and sadly was one for a short period of time) who have done so to either get the deed over with or to make their lover feel better.  First of all, if you feel like “getting it over with”, then maybe you shouldn’t be having sex at all.  There are a lot of sex-less ladies out there that would love to be getting it in and you’re just tarnishing Sex’s name.  Second of all, if you feel like you have to make your lover boy feel better, then expect to have meaningless and orgasamless sex for the remainder of your relationship.  And if you’re married, God bless you.

Sadly there are women out there that have become more concerned with crushing “his” ego than their own needs.  For whatever reason, whether its “he won’t like me anymore” or “I don’t want him to think he’s less of a man”, women lie.  Well who cares if he doesn’t like you anymore, he sucks in bed and if he can’t help you reach the “the promised land”, then he isn’t much of a man.  OK, before I get someone complaining, I am in no way bashing men here.  I love men! Go team men. I know that there are many men out there who take their time and are concerned with a woman’s needs.  These men will take the time to figure out what it is that gets you all hot and bothered.  However, for other men (and I use that term loosely) they simply just don’t care.  But all men do have one thing right, unlike many women, they ALWAYS worry about their needs.  And guess what?  They always get theirs.  So why do ladies make a fool of themselves and their partner by pretending??   Now Going back to a conversation I once had with a male friend, I remember telling him that I had faked it because I was just in pure shock at the horror of the experience I had had.  He laughed and said that men didn’t care if women faked it or not.  He told me that no matter what, a man was going to *choice word*, so they really didn’t care.  I was so offended by this, but I had to agree.  He was completely right.  Why on earth would they care, and especially if you’re just dating.  If you’re not in a committed relationship or married, where a woman can just make a man’s life hell because she’s unhappy or because it’s Monday, what reason would a man have to go above and beyond to help you out.  Again I ask, why pretend to be satisfied?  Who’s really hurting here? Not him. He’s sitting there with a smile on his face the size of Texas and eating fried chicken.  It’s you (you as in the lady faking it) that's left miserable! Now you’re all upset and bitchy and dudes got no clue as to why you’re stomping around pissed off and cursing out his mother and father and family dog.   So ladies take my advice:

1.   First, if you have to ask yourself what an Orgasm is, then the chances are PRETTY HIGH that you’ve never had one.  Go work on that, and then come back to read 2-7.

2.   If the sex sucks that bad, and you can’t even get close to achieving the “rolling of the eyes into the back of your head" feeling, then chances are it’s never going to happen between you two.  Politely tell him to get the hell off you and end it there.  Don’t just lay there and wait for him to finish.  This isn't a job interview where you're courteously letting him finish talking about his skills and past work experiences even though he's not getting the job. Just stop it!  Don’t you have a show waiting for you at home on your DVR?  Yea, go watch that, because if you’re not going have any cake at this party, then no one should be having cake. 

3.   Don’t expect him to do all the work.  That idea went out in the 40s!  If you want to get to the top of the mountain, you need to put a pep in your step and move your ass; literally!  I don’t understand why you’re even in the competition if you don’t plan on finishing the race.

4.   Ladies, stop pumping up his ego.  Stop making him think he’s so damn fantastic when really he’s rather tragic.  Not only are you ruining it for yourself, but once you’ve realized your misfortune and decide to leave, the next girl has to figure out who the hell lied & told him he’s so fabulous or that baby talk in bed is sexy.  The one thing I despise hearing from a man is when he says, “Well I’ve never had any complaints.” See ladies, this is what you’ve done.  Are you proud of yourselves?? Now Don Juan here thinks he’s flawless in the sack because of your Academy Award performance.

5.   If he thinks he’s so great, make him show you how great he is.  If you’re not done, you tell him to saddle on up because a Round 2 is in your foreseeable future.  Don’t let him play the “hungry & sleepy” bit on you.  AND don’t be ashamed if you finally get there and he’s still going.  Eye for an eye! So unless you’re both up for trying to make it a double, then it’s perfectly OK to say you’ve had enough and let that be the end.

6.   Oral.  Yes, when we know that sex isn’t going to solve our *ahem* problem, this is usually a crowd pleaser.  HOWEVER there are instances when this doesn’t work.  Why? Because someone told him that everything he sees in Porno’s is perfectly acceptable to perform on a woman.  Why men watch these videos and think that’s how all woman like things, is beyond me.  Tell him to knock it off and stop treating you like a sex doll.  What’s the point of even being there if you’re not going to have fun?  Just the same way they tell you what they like or don’t like, you need to open your mouth and do the same.  COMMUNICATION IS KEY!

7.   Continuing with the above, if it’s not happening for you, just tell the dude to stop.  No one wants to walk around with or see anyone walking around with lockjaw for 2 days, nor do they want to hear his neck sound like the creaking of an old rocking chair.  Its uncool and creepy.

8.   This one, is for the men...  Gentleman, just because you're "hitting it harder" doesn't mean the job is going to get done faster.  No one wants to have to wake up in the morning ready to schedule an appointment to the Chiropractor.  So please for the love of our bodies, ease on up on the Jack Rabbit routine.

Orgasms are a wonderful and beautiful thing, but it’s up to both parties involved to get to the pot of gold at the end of the Orgasm rainbow.  I've never seen or heard of a man just laying there waiting for a woman to do everything, so why should we. Nor have I ever heard of a man faking it.  If they don't like it, they will let you know!  So ladies, if he's not doing it the way you want or it seems like you're not going anywhere fast, make a change.  Its not always their fault, even though we'd love to put the blame them.  Remember if you want it done right, speak up.  If not, make it a do-it-yourself project and stop with the acting performances.

Now to get a Males point of view on the Ladies and their "faking it" act, go to Toe to Toe Tuesdays: Orgasms (Male Point of View).

Happy Blogging All


  1. OMG! You're too funny, but OH SO RIGHT!!

    I do however have to disagree with one statement you made though.... the married statement. Unfortunately, being married doesn't guarantee the fireworks and heart stopping ending. It does, however, (hopefully) promise that even if you have to give one night and not receive, that the next night you can take and not give. If your man (or woman) is true, then they will do they're best the next time to make it ALL ABOUT YOU.. And if he/she d doesn't... well let's just say that there is a reason that marriage counselors have so much business (and BTW it is a big cause for divorce). It really is about give and take...

    And if there are marriages out there that the fireworks light up the sky EVERYTIME and the neighbors call the cops cause you're screaming so loud they think you are being murdered, then hell, give them MY number cause I sure as hell could use some tips!!!

  2. Hahaha. First I want to thank you for the follow & for your comment. I really do appreciate when people take the time to read my jibberish, especially because I talk/type A LOT! :) Also what I meant by the marriage comment, was if you start off in a relationship lying about how satisfied you are knowing you're not, and then you get married to that person, then God bless you, because unless you decided to speak up, you're going to stay unsatisfied forever. I didn't mean with marriage out goes sex & pleasure. I should hope not; I hope to be married someday. And I completely agree with you, it's all about give and take and the balance between the two.

  3. Applause applause. Truth be told. :)