Thursday, January 13, 2011

WTF Is An Ophiuchus? And Who The Hell Am I?

According to an article on, a new Zodiac Sign has been introduced (article here: New Zodiac Dates) called Ophiuchus.  So now everything you thought you knew about yourself & your personality is about to be erased.  Worlds will be turned upside down.  Identities will vanish. Computers will go into overload and websites will shut down as the world tries to find out what their true signs reveal about them.  Prepare yourself for the revised version of the Zodiac List:

The New 13 Sign Zodiac Dates
Capricorn: Jan. 20 - Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 - March 11
Pisces: March 11- April 18
Aries: April 18- May 13
Taurus: May 13- June 21
Gemini: June 21- July 20
Cancer: July 20- Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16- Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20

Ladies & Gentleman I am not lying. There is no joking around; this list is the real deal.  And personally I'm appalled. I mean how am I suppose to go on living? These astrological assholes expect me to accept the fact that I'm no longer a diplomatic, romantic, easy going, idealistic, flirtatious and self-indulgent person (Libra).  But instead now I'm some analytical, observant, reliable, fussy, cold-hearted asshole (Virgo).  All these years I've been lead to believe that I was a certain person and now, now I'm suppose to just suck it up and change? I think not Zodiac. I. Think. Not!  This change proposes to just mess with my entire identity.  A Virgo? A freaking Virgo? That's not me at all.  What am I suppose to do with all my Precious Moments figurines that say Libra on them?  What am I supposed to do with my collage of scales and other Libra symbols? What do I do with my dog, Little Libra?  OMG and does my birthstone & flower stay the same? I have too many Opal earrings to just throw away.  And that tattoo on my ass of the cherub holding the scales? What do I do with that?!  And dear sweet baby Jesus, what the fuck hell is Walter Mercado going to do now?  Do you know how old he is? He doesn't have time to learn a whole new sign. And little old Spanish ladies aren’t going to know what to do with themselves.  How would you even say that word in Spanish? I can hear my grandmother now asking me, “Como se dice, Op. Ofi. OhPhe.Ohfuckus.”  What have they done? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE??!!...

OK, I'm completely joking here.  However, there are many people out there who do take the signs very seriously.  Even this article shows that fact.  And I won’t act as if I’m the cool kid who doesn’t read that stuff. I do read it, and I believe that many of the characteristics I’ve read about Libra in many ways describe the type of person I am.  However, do I live my life by looking up signs so I know what kind of shit I’m suppose to take on a particular day? Ummm, no.  Do I read horoscopes? Yes, but for fun!  Trust me, my horoscope says every week I’m going to find love & money and I’m still waiting. If I went by those "facts" I would've jumped off the roof of my house a long time ago.  And I certainly find it amusing seeing what they say my "love match" is, but I know that it’s all BS.  Me with an Aquarius? Been there and needless to say, I'm not there now.  But do we really have nothing better to do than to make up more shit to confuse everyone?  You know how many people right now are looking at their arm and leg tattoos and wondering if they have money to remove it because instead of a Aries now they're a Pisces  Do you know how many people out there at this very second are wondering if their personalities will suddenly change due to this?  I mean a shift in the planets of course means I shift in you, right? I shit you not! I had a conversation with someone who asked me if his personality was going to change now that his sign was different.  Holy Mother Of God!  This is why the public school systems need more money and better teachers… And while we’re on the subject of teachers, Fellowships need to stop hiring just anyone to be a teacher just because they failed the BAR exam and can’t figure out what else to do in life….  But seriously, does anyone watch the news?  Birds are falling out of the sky, fish are just washing up on shores dead, comets (that no one can locate) are just crashing down on earth, parents are spray tanning their 15 month olds and waxing their eyebrows and this is what we’re worried about.  “I’m a Leo all day everyday son. That’s what’s up.” Umm do me the favor and ask the person sitting next to you to punch you in the mouth for me. You're a fool.  Because what we really need to be talking about here is the Apocalypse. It's coming people. According to my morning train preacher, it's coming May 2011. Have you prayed today?.....Totally joking about the Apocalypse thing…. Well maybe. ;)

And now with all that said, I say take these changes with a grain of salt and look at the silver lining of things. Like me for instance. I will always be a Libra; that’s how I was born and I just like the way it sounds. But now when I act like an asshole or make some stupid mistake, I can finally use that split personality excuse, “I’m sorry it wasn't me, it was Virgo.”

Con Mucho Mucho Amor, Happy Blogging All 


  1. All day I was wondering WTF everybody was talking/posting about. This is your best blog IMHO yet! That's the Cancer in me speaking of course.....that evil twin bitch Gemini can go to hell. :)

  2. I can't stop laughing... I don't know what's funnier hearing my brother freak out about his Taurus tattoo or reading ur blog... LMFAO!!! Gemini till I die!! Ha ha ha!!!!

  3. OK enuf Virgo bashing even tho I always said I was more like a Leo and now thanks to this new zodiac rule I find out I was right all along!!!