Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Resolutions are NOT Solutions

I was going to blog about another "relationship issue", but I had to touch on this subject. So many people are talking about it, and it's driving me insane!... If there is one thing I hate (OK I hate a lot of things, but just follow me on this) is when the New Year comes around and people go crazy on what there "Resolutions" will be.  If we've learned anything from this phenomenon its that those perfect little resolutions we conjure up for ourselves, always get broken. "Starting this year, I will not eat sweets." or "I'm finally going to quit smoking." Then by the time January 6th rolls around, your face is covered in Grandma's surprise birthday cake, while fighting a kid for a Twizzler and your friend is licking ashtrays for that bitter sweet taste of nicotine because they threw out all their cigarettes and the old butts. Then you both crash and try to remember that thing you once had called, "self control" and where the hell it went.  So yes ladies & gentleman I think resolutions are LAME! And I think you're even more LAME! for depending on the "New Year" to be a "New You". I would assume that the old you is just fine; as long as you're not snorting cocaine, beating your spouse or children, or listening to a Willow Smith song (If you haven't noticed I'm not a Smith-Pinkett family fan.)  Now before I get that person telling me things like, "Oh, you're against change for the better or against people wanting to improve themselves" or something stupid like that, let me say I am all for change. Go ahead do it! But it is the word "resolution" and meaning and power so many people give it that bothers me.

According to this Time.com article Top 10 Commonly Broken Resolutions, these are the top 10 resolutions that people make & break (note that I did not actually read the article. I just looked for the resolutions. Any similarities to what they wrote & what I write here, are completely coincidental and prove even further that I should probably be a professional writer):

1. Lose Weight & Get Fit
 - You've seen these lameos at the gym taking up your machines, chit chatting by the water, eating the free pizza & bagels (Planet Fitness) the first two weeks of the year. Then they drift off like a puff of smoke in the air and its as if they never even existed. Sure some stay strong for about 2 months, but they too fall off the "fitness" train and hop right back on on the "fatness" one.
2. Quit Smoking
- I already see you falling off the wagon, so stop. My favorite method now, is this electronic cigarette (as seen on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). So you're gonna stop smoking with something that looks, feels and acts like a cigarette? I know addictions are hard to break but man up! Stop being a punk and just do it already. Besides, like all other resolutions, this is something you should've done a long time ago, unless you're holding on to that beautiful and oh so healthy cough and hacking you've developed over the years.
3. Learn Something New
- Some of my very close friends have tried this one. So I'm here to let you know dear friends that 2011 will not be the year you're gonna learn French, Portuguese or Swahili. If you really wanted to learn you would've done so by now. You're also not going to suddenly decide you're going to be a chef or a painter and make a career out of it. Stop torturing yourselves and your friends. You'll make some godforsaken awful dinner and show some painfully awkward artwork and then realize, it's not for you. Now, I'm not knocking those that actually do learn and pick up a skill they'll use maybe 3 times in there lifetime.  I tip my imaginary hat to you, congrats. But I think learning new things should always be on the top of your list of things to do.
4. Eat Healthier & Diet
-Not sure why this is seperate from #1. I think we can already assume this one will crash and burn just as hard, but I'll rock with it. Now why do people suddenly want to incorporate shit they've never ever eaten before into their diets? "I'm gonna make a tofu chicken with a light yogurt sauce and eat a radish & fennel salad and throw in some jicama for fun". STOP IT! You'll last 30 mins before you raid the fridge like a raccoon and eat that left over pernil & arroz con gandules you still have from New Years. If you're even attempting to be healthy & eat right, try a grilled chicken breast with a lettuce and tomato salad first. Also (and i got this from an earlier conversation) don't be the douchebag that goes out for a friends birthday that happens to land in January during your "health kick" stage and say I can't drink this or I can't eat that. Then go to another friends birthday in February and have 3 slices of cake and 6 cocktails. Not cool.
5. Get out of debt & Save Money
- Lets be honest here. You've probably spent a shit load of money on ridiculous gifts for the loving people in your life, who probably didn't deserve or appreciate it and who probably gave you a giftcard to some place you won't even go. Now you're back to where you were last year at the same time.  I'm assuming that with Christmas just passing, this resolution has already broken for many of you. If you want to make a resolution, resolve that you'll be in debt again in 2012. That's probably the only one that won't fail.
6. Spend time with Family
-PASS. Who says this bullshit? I don't want to spend time with them now, why would I resolve to start in 2011. SMH...I kid, I kid. Seriously it takes the new year for you to say, "Hmm I haven't seen grandma in six years, I should really give her a call". Puhlease! I'm sorry to go there, but these are the same people who go to a funeral and cry because they never kept the resolution to do this. Go kick rocks!
7. Travel to new places
- Hey asshole! Didn't we discuss this. YOU. ARE. IN. DEBT. Lets take care of that first then we'll concentrate on going off to Turks & Cacios to dive for conch shells & sip on cocktails. Get your head outta the sky.
8. Be Less Stressed
- Unless you're living in a Utopian world full for gumdrops, rainbows & gummi bears, this shit ain't gonna happen. It's great that you set such high goals for yourself, but umm yea about that. Stress is apart of life. You can't control the things that will happen to you now or later. You are who you are and chances are unless you're on some great meds (that you'd like to share with me) if you're a person that stresses, you're gonna be stressed.
9. Volunteer
- Jesus Christ! Volunteer? I mean it's honorable, but does this mean you suddenly decide in the new year you want to be a "good" person. Stop your lies. This is the type of thing you've been going on and on about doing and how people should get involved. How about you start by giving up your seat on the train to an elderly person or a pregnant woman or opening up the door for a stranger rather than shoulder checking them when you walk by. Then you can talk about volunteering.
10. Drink Less
- Who? Why? Huh? I'm not even sure I understand this correctly. You want to drink less? Am I reading this correctly? Exactly how much are you drinking to begin with? Unless you have no kidneys or you're an alcoholic (which means resolutions is the least of your worries. Get to AA stat buddy) why would this be on here? This is just crazy talk and I won't even bring myself to discuss such a disgusting topic. Make a resolution to drink more. That'll work out 10x better for you.

All joking aside, in my opinion (which of course you want it, because then why else would you be reading this) I don't think anyone should make resolutions just because it's a new year and you want to supposedly start fresh.  My point is that so many of us already go through making lifestyle changes and creating new hobbies for ourselves throughout the year. I know I do. I can't tell you how many times I've started a new gym cycle during the year or told myself I'm not gonna shop anymore, and that's like in the middle of May.  So why do so many people make the first Monday of the New Year more special than it is?  What is the difference between making a change on September 8th or making a change on January 1st? Just because you're starting at "1" doesn't mean all the issues and excuses you had keeping these resolutions from happening previously are going to magically go away. 

If it makes you happy and confident to do something different and make a change in your life, great! A goal to achieve something is wonderful and I support you all 100%!!!!! But please stop calling them RESOLUTIONS as if as soon as you say that word, a genie comes out of your ass to give you a million dollars, zaps away your belly fat, takes you on vacation to some remote island and presents you with that man or women you've been searching for all these years. We put enough pressure on ourselves with meaningless garbage everyday. Why oh why would we set ourselves up like this? I said it before, and I'll say it again, resolutions were meant to be broken!

Happy Blogging All.

Photo Credit 1 (two wolves): AnimalCentral.net 

Photo Credit 2 (Calvin & Hobbes): HoustonPress.com  


  1. can i at least wish for one hot lover in 2011 and it not sound like a dumb resolution?! ja ja

  2. This one I think has to be the funniest one yet and so spot on! I almost choked on water reading it! ha ha ha!